Chicken Monkey Donkey

Blog is moving!

noreply@blogger.com (longmont resident) — Tue, 21 Aug 2007 21:54:00 +0000

The new blog is I Will Not Be Raped By Robots.

That Girl of Mine

noreply@blogger.com (longmont resident) — Thu, 29 Mar 2007 17:25:00 +0000

My wife is full of baby
in her belly it makes her cry.
Cause she don't like the stink
when my slice of spam is fried.
I respect her motherhood
and I will protect her as I can.
But if that bitch don't like
my frozen fish fillets.
I'll just laugh at her while
she vomits on my fries.

My lovely wife,
is flowering as a mother.
Her petals as delicate
as the rose.
She has a lovely hue
of beauty,
due to her own blossom
in her womb.
I'm glad I'm a guy,
because I think that is,
totally gay.

My lovely petite wife,
becoming round in the belly.
Her otherwise thin arms & legs,
in comparison to the growth
from our baby.
When she gives birth to our love child,
she will also lose her pregnant beauty.
Because if she don't,
I will chain her to the back of the car,
and force her to run off that baby fat.

Translating Film Dialoge To Neil Diamond

noreply@blogger.com (longmont resident) — Wed, 29 Nov 2006 23:58:00 +0000

'Glengary Glen Ross'

Blake: You got leads. Mitch & Murray paid good money. Get their names to sell them. You can't close the leads you're given, you can't close shit, *you are* shit, hit the bricks pal, and beat it, 'cause you are going *out*.
Shelley Levene: The leads are weak.
Blake: "The leads are weak." The fucking leads are weak? You're weak. I've been in this business fifteen years...
Dave Moss: What's your name?
Blake: Fuck you. That's my name.
[Moss laughs]
Blake: You know why, mister? 'Cause you drove a Hyundai to get here tonight, I drove an eighty thousand dollar BMW. *That's* my name.

Blake: Porcupine popped out a baby. The paper bag men spread cheese
over a bat. Ask a monkey to smile like an astronaut. You can't kookoodoodleydoo, you can't diddleydippitydee, you are diddleydippity, smack the hackysack possum jose, and pass a log, you are fishing in fish that can't see straight.
Shelley Levene: Porcupine has gas.
Blake: "Porcupine has gas." The woowoowoopywowywippywooing porcupine has gas? You're a porcupine. I've been tugging on the hambone of a giraffe since the doctor kicked a goat.
Dave Moss: Who is your color coat?
Blake: Woowoowoopywowywippywoo. That's my color coat.
[Moss laughs]
Blake: Pong is the greatest game on earth. 'Cause you rode on a ferret without any antlers, I drove a green duck with antlers. *That's* my color coat.

Hey Asshole - Get To Know Me!

noreply@blogger.com (longmont resident) — Wed, 29 Nov 2006 22:58:00 +0000

1. What cleaning product do you prefer to use when poisoning unwanted house guests?

Easy - everyone's favorite, Clorox! Minimal vomit & at least for 1 hour you can have your way with them while the poison demobolizes them.

2. Which cartoon character have you had sexual fantasies of being tied & tortured?

You might think this is cheating - but despite this character being best known as a video game, they did make a cartoon - ala Pacman. But my answer would be QBert.

3. Which serial rapist would you choose if you were forced to be raped?

I think I would prefer a female rapist - which would obviously be Debra LaFave (who would officially be a serial rapist if she raped me). But if I was going to go with a male rapist - I would think it would be John Wayne Gacy. What can I say? I love clowns!

4. If you had to lose a limb, which one? Also, if the dismemberment choices were between burning, sawed with chainsaw, bitten by pit bull or bitten by self in order to free oneself from a rock, which option would you choose?

Definitely my elbow, though if possible I would like to keep the rest of my arm. I would choose to have my elbow burnt - a control burn. Obviously this would be quite painful, but really - would I really want to have my elbow sawed or bitten? Obviously not, that would be stupid

5. When did you first realize that existence was without any purpose & that our lives are meaningless within the scale of a void-less infinite godless space?

I think that would be in the mid 80's when I got the Atari 2600 game E.T.

6. When did you first french kiss -
6b. Your father?

Now that is just sick. I would never french kiss my father. Now, if it was Father Dowling played by Tom Bosely then we'll talk

6c. Your household pet?

When I was nine.

Hey - I didn't say I was proud about it. But I was nine, who else was I going to french kiss?

7. Scenario - you have kidnapped your loved one & intend to kill them, realizing that they will never truly love you as you love them. Who will you kill first, your loved one or yourself? (Trick question!)

I would hope I would get this one right - my lover of course. I always feel bad for the kidnapper when it is determined that the lover was able to escape & the kidnapper dies of a self-inflicted wound. But the pressure has to really be intense when you kidnap your lover. But I would like to think I'm a cool cucumber. You won't be seeing my wife alive after I die on the 5:00 news, you can bet on that!

8a. What mammal would you choose to insert into your anus?

An elephant! Bring it on!

8b. What would you name your anal mammal pet?

Hey - whatever that elephant wants to be called. Chuckle chuckle chuckle snort.

9. The cast of 'Friends' has invited you for a week long cruise! Tragically, an iceberg has struck the ship which forces you to decide - which 'Friends' character do you choose to save? (Trick question!)

Obviously none of them, but I would consider the coffee shop owner.

10. If you were a sex toy, what would you be?

I would be a barbed wire pole!

A Thanksgiving Story

noreply@blogger.com (longmont resident) — Tue, 14 Nov 2006 16:22:00 +0000

As Thanksgiving approaches, I pause to reflect on it's meaning. Of course that is difficult, with all the business this day requires. But it is important to clearly think of all the suffering, turmoil, angst, misery, destruction, and suffering, turmoil, angst, misery, destruction and most importantly the suffering,
turmoil, angst, misery, destruction and not to mention the suffering, turmoil, angst, misery, destruction that allows us to enjoy this day.

So what is Thanksgiving?

Thanksgiving is the day that we pay homage to the wargod Morlock, by severing our ties to mortality by literally carving off a body limb. This literal 'symbolism', connects our soul to the infinite desire for immortality through a psychic connection with the demons that lie dormant within our pancreas.

But Thanksgiving is much more than that.

Thanksgiving day was founded in the early days of America's founding, when visitors from across a great ocean discovered a dark & mysterious continent inhabited by uncivilized half-humans that had little faith in christianity, nor more importantly capitalism. The year was 1843. I am positive that was the date, I remember it from 4th grade.

Ok, it might have been 3rd grade. But I know it was the year 1843 because that was the same year that Hitler came to power in Germany.

Anyways, the pilgrims that settled on the shores of Nebraska were greeted by an angry mob of Indians! The pilgrims were like, "hey, why can't we all just get along?", but the Indians - high on their chutney wanted to kill the pilgrims. So they did. They marched the pilgrims to a hill & made them take their clothes off & nailed them on crosses. After a while they were buried in caves and the
Indians thought that was that.

But on the 7th day, the pilgrims came back to life because they were just pretending to be dead & snuck out of their caves & killed all the Indians!

They then shot fireworks, carved some eggs up with scary faces, hid pumpkins & enjoyed a game of caged rabbit-fighting.

So thank your lucky stars & make sure you wear green on Thanksgiving - because if you don't the pilgrims will scale down the chimney & slit your throat while you sleep!

Fan Mail!

noreply@blogger.com (longmont resident) — Tue, 14 Nov 2006 15:46:00 +0000

From time to time I like to share with you some of the countless letters I receive. Here is one from one of my biggest fans, mendel.

mendel writes:

Ummm...it's spelled Seger...but I'm sure you already knew that...right?

Jerk.

Thanks for writing mendel, the onset of puberty makes cleanliness even more important. As you experience puberty, you may begin to sweat more under your arms, on your feet and the palms of your hands, and in your genital area. It is very important to shower or bathe daily. The oil glands in your skin become more active during puberty, especially on your shoulders, neck, face, back and upper chest. This excess oil can clog pores and cause problems like whiteheads, blackheads and pimples. You can help keep pores from clogging by washing your face two or three times a day, eating healthy foods, exercising and getting enough sleep. If you still have severe acne, your doctor can prescribe medicines to help; severe acne can leave scarring.

I hope that answered your question. And thanks for writing! Of course you will receive a complimentary Chicken Monkey Donkey headband - the same that Julius Erving wore with the Los Angeles Lakers. Also, you might be interested to know that there will certainly be future tales of Bob Segar! Yay Meow Meow Turn the Page!

Bob Segar

noreply@blogger.com (longmont resident) — Thu, 02 Nov 2006 23:31:00 +0000

Bob Segar.

The name says it all. His first name is Bob & his last name is Segar. That is the kind of man Bob Segar is. He is a musical tribute to America, he is more American than America is. Hell - he is even more American than Canada is. Sometimes I just want to soak up in Bob Segar, just fill all my nooks & crannies with Bob Segar. I don't neccessarily listen to his music, I admit I usually turn the channel when he pops up on the radio. But that doesn't mean I'm not into him.

Because I am into him.

But what Bob Segar has been missing out is tv. So, since my opinions are important to myself - I'm listing some tv shows that Bob Segar should be in & that the tv shows should be in Bob Segar.

"Bob Segar Exposures"
Bob Segar is a immortal rock star in the Alaskan wild. He comes to love, though also despise the whimsies of the quirky town he is forced to live in, due to his student loans. His best friend is an Inuit with Down's Syndrome and a helicoptor pilot that may be a lesbian.

"Full Bob Segar"
Bob Segar stars as himself and his twin 5 year old sister, Bob Segar. Their parents are legendary commedian Bob Saget & someone who has had sex with Rebecca Ramon-Stamos, John Stamos. Bob Segar & his twin sister Bob Segar are adorable & precocious legendary rock stars. Yet Bob Saget and John Stamos are not, yet have parental authority over Bob Segar and Bob Segar. The third man that is friends of Bob Segar's parents might have Down's Syndrome.

"Segar"
Bob Segar is a Hall of Fame inducted rock star who owns a charming bed & breakfast in Vermont with his wife and sexually active daughter. Bob Segar has numerous clever guests from New York state as well as his charming custodian who has Down's Syndrome & the townspeople who largely have Down's Syndrom.

"Segar P.I."
Bob Segar is a tour de force rock star who drives a Ferrari in Hawaii. Bob Segar also solves crimes and lives for free at a mansion with an old coot that secretely owns the mansion, which leads me to believe that he has Down's Syndrome. Bob Segar receives the help from a helicoptor pilot and a hairdresser, who suffer from flash backs throughout the program.

"Segar Crest"
Bob Segar is an treasured rock star that has beautiful long thick hair. Also starring are various other people that might not have beautiful long thick hair, but they have some redeeming qualities, despite having Down's Syndrome. More than likely, Bob Segar will ride a motorcycle and double cross someone.

I could go on, and I might too. Just because I am not posting on the blog means I don't exist. I do exist outside the blogosphere.

Whites At Their Whitest

noreply@blogger.com (longmont resident) — Mon, 12 Jun 2006 16:26:00 +0000

As I'm on vacation - last weekend at the Grand Canyon & now in Las Vegas - I've come to a startling conclusion, White people are at their most uninhibited Whiteness when they are on vacation. Unabashadely & unapolegetically White.

It's not even really a bad thing, fuck - I'm White myself. Just an observation, but White people (and I would include myself) truly love vacations, particularly vacation spots where they can decorate themselves in gaudy clothing & talk out loud about "how different Arizona is from Wisconsin". Really - I'm not saying I disagree, but I think that goes without saying.

Of course I don't mean to diminish the roles of other races that go on vacation either. But for whatever reason, the handful of Blacks I saw that were attendance at a 'Wild West Show', just didn't act any Blacker. Or Hispanics didn't act any Hispanicer.

Maybe it's not even about acting 'White', but just acting more 'American', or 'Patriotic', or 'Freedom Loving'. I don't want to sound too nationalist or promote any racially supremacy - but I think when Whites go on vacation, they are at the most freed'm loving tara hating patriotic people in the USA.

How do I know? It's all about the height of the socks. White people on vacation wear their tube socks up to their knees. Something about that, with the NASCAR t-shirt tucked in blue jean shorts & sandals just looks more patriotic than anything else.

But if you don't believe me, take the tourist train ride from Williams AZ to the Grand Canyon. You'll probably hear this from one of the thespians who are method acting as cowboys: "What is the difference between in-laws & outlaws? Outlaws are at least wanted". And I think that is a joke, because people laughed afterwards. Really White laughter.

This Day In History

noreply@blogger.com (longmont resident) — Fri, 05 May 2006 20:17:00 +0000

May 5

3251 BC - A nomadic tribesman in central Asia noted to another nomadic tribesman, that there traveling patterns were similar to their own lives. Remarking how the lack of permanence of their home life was similar to their own soul - always searching, without any answers. This would not be as expected, the first use of irony, as the comment had been made a day earlier. Rather, this was the first use of sarcasm, as that tribesman was mocking the other tribesman earlier comment.

112 AD - Choosing to build a road in Roman controlled Spain via the valley rather than the highlands due to the interpretation of bird entirely by a priest, caused the following reaction from a construction worker. "It seems priests are able to identify roads that would be less likely to be cursed, but they still can't find the cure for the common cold!" This would be the first usage of the now popular but they can't find the cure for the common cold joke.

1260 - The Italian entree meatballs rose in popularity over the more traditional, meatsquare.

1621 - Spanish explorers first envisioned the future for present day Tijuana, by paying local village women to have sex with donkeys.

1821 - In an eerie premonition, Jebediah Curtis, an actor in the Rochester, NY production of the local stage hit "Huzzah Huzzah Huzzah!" involuntarily yelled out "That's my momma!". It wouldn't be until 153 years later as Jebediah Curtis' great-great-great-great-grandson made that same fateful exclamation.

1953 - In an expected second coming of Christ at a remote church in Peru, Christian believers were initially disappointed in the appearance of Vishnu. Stating, "Sorry, Jesus couldn't make it so he asked me if I could show up". The Christians were appreciative for Vishnu providing delicious food from Vishnu's native India.

Baby Jessica Marries

noreply@blogger.com (longmont resident) — Mon, 30 Jan 2006 21:38:00 +0000

So whose idea was it to get Jessica out of the well? I'm really not sure how I feel about this - she is the baby in the well. What if the lady in the lake decided she didn't feel like dispensing swords to potential knights anymore & moved out of the lake? It would be chaos.

Get Back In That Well!

So where are all our people that live in wells now? I don't know of ANY now. Growing up, we used to have people living in wells ALL the time - it's no big thing. But wells are cool, they were popularized by a #1 hit song from the 1800's called Jack & Jill. But since the great well era that lasted for milleniums has largely ended in the US, we don't hear much about wells. Except when people fall into them. It's not the wells fault - there is no need to cover them up.

But wells are making a comeback, thanks to the movie Ring. Or should I say Ringo - the Japanese original, loosely based about the ex-Beatle's experience with wells. I think wells are going to be really big this year - they are still big in Africa. At least white people like to fly to Africa & build wells for free there. I don't understand that, why can't they build them here? I'll pay someone $10 to build me a well. I'll even fix them peanut & jelly sandwiches with the crust cut off.

Fucking assholes.

Well Fargo Bank is another thing that is cool about wells, the bank of course is based out of a well in Fargo ND. They didn't tell you that in the movie Fargo.

The Brad's 2005 Man Of The Year Award

noreply@blogger.com (longmont resident) — Mon, 19 Dec 2005 01:00:00 +0000

Goes to Joey Lawrence, for his contributions to 20th Century popular culture and quantam physics.

Congragulations Joey, give my love to your lovely wife Barbara & your two kids. Joey Lawrence currently lives in suburban Columbus, OH where he is professor emeritus at a major college. There he developed the theory, which many physisists including Steven Hawkings believe, that will bridge the gap between understanding the Big Bang and tasty cheese based snacks. The theory is based on the square root of a tasty Cheez-it and the number of stars he is able to count on any given night.

Nihilistic Weekend

noreply@blogger.com (longmont resident) — Sun, 04 Dec 2005 20:37:00 +0000

At least nihilistic in spirit, because it has been a good weekend of doing nothing. Nothing being my mantra. And to think of all those people I'll talk to at work & tell me how great their weekend was, all the antique markets, rollerblading, pottery classes, and whatever else people who have no soul that need outside stimulation to fill their empty voids. I am full of life, so I don't need any additional stimulation, just some alcohol & cheezits.

But it has been good - yesterday was a more active day, we finished our shopping at the new 'urban' outdoor mall in the city where we also went to ikea. Which is good, because they have those big packs of oat chocolate cookies. My bum bum is on the Sweede. Sweedish.

But of course we spent money yesterday, or more accurately I signed my name on either paper or on a digital pad. It's always an adventure shopping when you have no money, figuring which credit card to use. I used to worry about it but I don't much anymore, I figured when the time we are in financial trouble I'll start believing in god. Because whenever you hear about people that are in full shit, like the katrina survivors, they always say they put their faith in the lord. So I'll just let god pay off my credit cards, then when they're paid off I'll resume my disbelief of him.

Sucker.

Otherwise the only other problem we had was a possum that now lives in our crawlspace. Now, someone who gives a shit would do something about it, I haven't decided how much of the shit I believe in. So, we'll see. My other mantra, besides believing in nothing I always believe in seeing in the future tense.

A discovery I made, was an interesting mixer at Target that makes peppermintinis, all you add is vodka. Of course it tasted like shit, but I found out if you add chocolate milk to it, it fucking rocks a camels ass. Of course my wife already knew this, but it was still a discovery for me. So that counts.

Ok - I'm resuming nothing. All you other fuckers out there enjoy your running around in place, I'll be sitting on my ass drinking.

I Am What I Am

noreply@blogger.com (longmont resident) — Wed, 30 Nov 2005 02:03:00 +0000

The scariest thing about art is when there is a unique piece that directly mirrors your own existence. That is the case with Hillary Duff's opus 'I Am What I Am'. What scares me is that there is someone else out there that creates something that so completely describes my own inner-soul, without even knowing me. That is scary. Hillary Duff either is stalking me, or is able to look into a crystal ball & is able to look into my soul.

And I kind of like it.

These are the lyrics of her song. Read them, read them like you're reading my diary. The diary chapter of me after a fight over my parents not allowing me to stay up & watch Dawson's Creek. That chapter which I was moved by a Pokemon cartoon. Very personal shit man.

I'm an angel, I'm a devil
I am sometimes in between
I'm as bad it can get
And good as it can be
Sometimes I'm a million colors
Sometimes I'm black and white
I am all extremes
Try figure me out you never can
There's so many things I am

I am special
I am beautiful
I am wonderful
And powerful
Unstoppable
Sometimes I'm miserable
Sometimes I'm pitiful
But that's so typical of all the things I am

I'm someone filled with self-belief
And haunted by self-doubt
I've got all the answers
I've got nothing figured out
I like to be by myself
I hate to be alone
I'm up and I am down
But that's part of the thrill
Part of the plan
Part of all of the things I am

I am special
I am beautiful
I am wonderful
And powerful
Unstoppable
Sometimes I'm miserable
Sometimes I'm pitiful
But that's so typical of all the things I am

I'm a million contradictions
Sometimes I make no sense
Sometimes I'm perfect
Sometimes I'm a mess
Sometimes I'm not sure who I am

I am special
I am beautiful
I am wonderful
And powerful
Unstoppable
Sometimes I'm miserable
Sometimes I'm pitiful
But that's so typical of all the things I am

I am special
I am beautiful
I am wonderful
And powerful
Unstoppable
Sometimes I'm miserable
Sometimes I'm pitiful
But that's so typical of all the things I am
Of all the things I am
Sometimes I'm miserable
Sometimes I'm pitiful
But that's so typical of all the things I am
Of all the things I am

The following are actual items from the song that directly refer to me:

Angel - I have in fact been deified by God as a winged ambasador to humans.
Devil - Not literally, but sometimes I do enjoy indiscrimanitely drugging children & later in my basement saw their limbs as their tortorous screams fill the void of their life.
Bad - I'm Michael Jackson bad.
Good - What is good? Doesn't being good at being bad count?
Million Colors - I don't know, I'll ask my wife how many numbers are in a RGB value.
Black & White - That is tricky, I will have to admit I only know of Caucasian ancestory.
Extremes - I love Moutain Dew.
Special - My councelor in school would always tell me that I'm special whenever kids called me 'retard'.
Beautiful - I do have a 10 inch penis, doesn't that count?
Wonderful - Now, that is relative, but I suppose I am full of wonder. But I also have some blood. But I'm pretty sure it's mostly wonder.
Powerful - At my whim I can determine if a computer is on or not.
Unstoppable - Well, I'm no Carter the Sex Machine, but my wife has difficulty stopping me from looking at internet porn.
Miserable - My Xbox 360 hasn't arrived yet. :(
Pitiful - This is a visual, you need to see my puppy eyes. Of course I don't have puppy eyes, I just cut some eyes from a dog & I'm holding them up to my eyes pretending they are mine.
Self-Belief - I believe I exist.
Self-Doubt - But I doubt I believe I exist.
Answer - 42!
Nothing Figured Out - Well obviously that isn't true, because I know all the answers. I don't know what Lindsey was meaning when she wrote this line.
Be by myself - I like to be by myself, as long as there are other people around.
Hate to be alone. I hate being alone, as long as everyone else shuts up.
Up & Down - This is self explanatary.
Million Contradictions - I can't verify this, so far I have only been able to count 2 contradictions. One being I like Bud Lite, because of the taste but also because it is light. The other being I consider myself a moral person, but again - that whole drugging / cutting children up thing.
Make no sense - Yeah, ok - Hillary does indeed make no sense, because I think I usually do.
Mess - I have those squiggly marks over my head like Pigpen in Peanuts.
Not Sure Who I Am - I'm like that guy from Memento, I have to get tattoos like, "Clean the cat litter when you come home from work" & "Wear gloves when you bury the kid".

Thanks Hillary! I'm glad I don't have to write a song about me, because that would be hard, so I appreciate you putting in those long hours doing that for me.

The Lottery - The Redneck Savings Account

noreply@blogger.com (longmont resident) — Mon, 14 Nov 2005 15:54:00 +0000

I'm not a lottery player, I've played it 3 times in my life. But of course I have a little dream where I do win it, and all is good. But one thing that makes me want to play it more - is so I can stop all the rednecks from winning. Why are these people allowed to play?

I'm talking about the couple from some assfuck town who don't plan on quiting their jobs & aren't planning on going anywhere. Of course they have & will spend it on Hummers - no, not even the good kind, but the SUV type - & whatever the Fingerhut catalog offers. This is the epitome of white trash, or what the world calls - Americans. They would prefer to stock up their lives with as much crap as you could buy from the store, than any real 'experiences'.

They claim they don't want to travel because their kid is in college, no the kid is not retarded, blind, limbless, or gay - he is just some normal kid going to tech school to learn how to repair saw mills. Again - what is the kind of person that doesn't want to travel because they obviously feel everything is right there in their community? Rednecks.

"The Eiffel Tower? We got a water tower that is just as nice"

"The lions in the Serengeti? We got bobcats that go after our chickens at night, I don't need to see anymore wild cats"

"The culinary masters of northern Italy? There's an Olive Garden down the highway in town"

Plus they are going to establish a non-profit organization. Booooring. What are they going save? All those kids that are going to hell because they play too much video games like Doom? So they'll team up with Mel Gibson & launch a multi-million dollar software company that produces action games such as "Moses vs Demonic Galactic Hair Dressers" or "Jesus Walk On Water Dance Challenge". Or maybe they will start a missionary service for those poor godless cats & dogs in the county pound. Oh, they will still be put to sleep - but at least they will go to heaven now.

So - who would the Brad spend the money on?

Myfuckingself.

That obviously includes my wife. I will also throw a few cents to my family & loved ones. But otherwise I will unleash a new era on Earth of me. Over the years I have determined what my great contributions will be:

* In my hometown in South Carolina, I will clear a full city block in downtown, pave it with asphalt & call it a plaza. In the center will be a magnificent 2 story statue of me, wielding a sword up to the sky & on the other hand the head of Stephen - a child hood bully. A moat will be constructed & red dye will gush out of my mouth filling the moat. Additionally security barb wire fence will surround the plaza & the song 'Eat The Rich' by Motorhead will fill the air.

* My child hood home will be converted to a museum to honor me. It is a ranch style home built in a 1970's subdivision full of typical "if I won the lottery I would keep my job" kind of people. The museum will accurately depict my life - when I killed Adolf Hitler, my four way with Angelina Jolie & the Olsen Twins, my anointing by God which produced my super strengths like looking through people's clothes. Of course the exhibits will all be staffed by trained monkeys.

* I will build a streetcar route on Memorial Dr in Atlanta, which I will be the conductor of. One thing though, the streetcars will all have mechanical face plates & will all speak in very gay English accents - I know, same thing. Along the route will be a number of businesses & attractions that I will operate - such as the kitty cat zoo & a legal crack house. Atlanta will be the crack Amsterdam of the world.

* I will neuter the entire Bush family.

I Am A Bad Gamer

noreply@blogger.com (longmont resident) — Fri, 14 Oct 2005 02:20:00 +0000

I have this habit of playing video games obsessively, but once I get to the final mission / bad guy - I lose interest & stop playing. Obviously the designers make the last mission the most difficult, but as the case is with Grand Theft Auto - I get to a point & think, this isn't neccessarily impossible to beat, but it takes too much time. So right now I am debating, is it worth it to force myself to win this last long mission so I can see the last film clip & examine my ending results?

More than likely - I'll be selling it tomorrow morning. I'm just too lazy & unmotivated to even finish a game.

LA As The Model City

noreply@blogger.com (longmont resident) — Wed, 12 Oct 2005 20:13:00 +0000

Just something I had been thinking about, from the mind of an Atlantan & in general of the future of a sunbelt city.

We all say we don't want our city to be like LA, just as smaller urban areas under 1 million in population don't want to be like Atlanta. But what is our alternative? Can anyone honestly state that their favored city will not develop like LA?

Before you answer, consider these assumptions - there is already a large percentage of suburban housing, there is also a number of edge cities, or retail centers developing into edge cities, lastly a formidable infrastructure is in place in the suburbs that will guarentee movement for suburbanites. So we all should accept that suburbanism is here & will continue to be here.

Now your arguements about downtown & the urban core, of course they are growing & will continue to grow, densify & provide some resemblance to urbanity. But that doesn't negate the existence of suburban development & doesn't answer what our cities will be in the near to far future.

What I see as the primary development pattern for an urban area are as follows -
1) the classic urban model of the strong CBD & lowering residential densities gravitating outward.
2) the modern multi-nodal urban model of a CBD that shares economic & density strength with a number of edge cities.

No more classic urban cities are developing & will develop. Though most CBD's have additional room to grow & spread out - there is for every city some barrier that will limit the densest business & now population core. Whereas in the past, as the CBD advanced, the neighboring single family neighborhood was torn down. That was a common pattern as recent as 50 years ago, as Atlanta has torn down it's Uptown residential district full of mansions in order for office buildings could advance through the new Midtown. But the reality of today's greater level of democracy that exists in urban areas, is that - the historic single family neighborhoods, built in the Victorian era to even bungalow street-car era, will not be torn down. Due to historic covenants & simply strong NIMBY activism, heavy densification is forced to end at the edge of mostly single family neighborhoods.

What the alternative now is corridor planning, densifying primary corridors rotating outward from the CBD. These corridors though at some point will no longer gravitate towards downtown, but to nearer neighborhood centers or to edge cities. In this case, this merely strengthens the prominance of the edge city. Which will lead to a stronger edge city, which in tandem - will still diminish the economic signficance of the CBD, as well as it's population basis. Already large numbers of edge cities are becoming population centers, which leads directly to the conclusion. With increasing densities & concentrating on developing corridors - we are becoming LA.

With that in mind, should we not reconsider our intolerant attitude about LA & review closer how LA functions? I am not arguing that we should mimic all of LA, but certainly - we can learn a great deal more about our cities than we can by looking to the Northeast & Midwest. Even those cities to a lesser degree should force themselves to identify the great liklihood that the edge city phenomenon is permenant. And rather than plan against edge cities, we should actually plan for them.

WWVPD?

noreply@blogger.com (longmont resident) — Thu, 29 Sep 2005 16:59:00 +0000

My life is a living absurdist performance. I dress in Dockers & sharp dress shirts to work, where I make a comfortable living in a respectable position. I wear my hair cut & short, with only some facial hair & no earings. I speak clearly & positively, either in a serious tone or in a pleasing friendly manner. I am married and own a nice home in a nice neighborhood in a nice town. In this town I enjoy watching movies at home or at the theater, which will usually be accompanied with dinner and perhaps coffee.

What?

You don't think this is absurdist? In fact you think this is the typical boring yuppie success story.

Well, that is the point - my life is absolutely perfectly normal, and is in fact a gratifying experience. None of my typical daily activities warrents any absurdist expression. But that is of course the point, because what I owe all of my normality to is this:

I owe all of my success & happiness to a Voodoo Priestess.

My life is a walking testament to the power & glory of Voodoo witchcraft. Every action I make, I think - what would a Voodoo Priestess do?

That is why my existence is absurd, the entirety of my normality is nothing but a shell, which within that shell is the substance of whimsy & lunacy.

I know, whatever I do - be it tying my neck tie, turning in my report, or applauding to a Coldplay performance, I know my Voodoo Priestess is watching over me, and likely breaking the neck of a chicken while lighting it's intestines on fire, a savory fire with spices & the blood of a goat.

Hey - I got an email from a friend - thanks Voodoo Priestess!

I Am Terminally Ill

noreply@blogger.com (longmont resident) — Wed, 21 Sep 2005 16:20:00 +0000

Yes, I am suffering from a brain cloud. Does insuarance cover brain cloud treatment? I should try to deduct a bill for visiting the south Pacific.

More Blah Blah Blah

noreply@blogger.com (longmont resident) — Fri, 09 Sep 2005 01:17:00 +0000

Uhmmm... sinus problems, went to Dragon*Com, cut grass, rode bikes, enjoyed work the past week.

Bummed

noreply@blogger.com (longmont resident) — Fri, 02 Sep 2005 02:51:00 +0000

Not since 9/11 have I simply been so bummed out about affairs beyond any personal affair. First off I was fascinated, then that fascination quickly turned to being revolted. I'm sick about not being sure when I will see New Orleans again, and in what shape it will be. I'm additionally sick of the lack of humanity that exists - the looters to the federal government.

My wife & I of course have donated to the Red Cross, the same amount as we did for the tsunami. We feel like it's a large amount, but not large enough that it puts us out. So I still feel guilty - maybe we should donate more. I'm also considering talking to my supervisor at work to see if they would support me in volunteering. There is a group called GIS Corps, which is similar to Peace Corps but it places GIS professionals at natural disasters. If I don't do this immediately, I would imagine sometime within the coming months they would continue to need GIS support in the rebuilding effort.

Otherwise - we cancelled a trip to Savannah b/c of gas prices / availability as well as simply feeling guilty about doing something fun. Also we're not likely to receive any large bundle of cash like we thought we had a chance - we had a buyer for our yard, but they backed out b/c of the likely impossibility of splitting our parcel. Maybe we'll go to Dragoncon this weekend, but at least I'll try to enjoy my 4 day weekend. But still - I'm not looking forward to it like I should, usually I relish the idea of lounging at home playing video games & drinking. But not this time, I'll likely watch CNN & mourn.

But of course I'm glad to hear my friend Ben got out of New Orleans - that is a relief. Ben, when you can I would love to hear back from you. Take care...

I Don't Like Cutting The Grass

noreply@blogger.com (longmont resident) — Fri, 26 Aug 2005 20:42:00 +0000

Seriously man, it's fucked up.

Proposal for a Grant to Benefit Mankind

noreply@blogger.com (longmont resident) — Thu, 28 Jul 2005 19:44:00 +0000

This is an idea I've had the past few days, based on similar grants awarded to geniuses, artists, and similar people that exhibit a great gift. This award is for another type of person that is often overlooked, yet has a brilliant gift that should be allowed to flower even more. Of course I would be honored to be included as well, so if there is any wealthy benefactor that is considering a nice non-profit donation - please consider me.

Description:
This grant is only awarded to the highest echelon
of truly gifted individuals, whom have mastered
an ability that not all possess. This craft,
which the financial awardings provided to the
winning grantee, will allow this individual to
perfect their skill, so all others can learn and
appreciate from their contribution.

Award:
A check for one million dollars is to be awarded
to the individual who can best explain why they
are most qualified for this prestigous honor.

Requirements:
You must prove that you are the laziest person on
Earth.

The Brad's Opinion - The Debra Lafave Controversy

noreply@blogger.com (longmont resident) — Tue, 19 Jul 2005 13:18:00 +0000

Debra Lafave, school teacher in Florida accused of sexually molesting a 14 year old is facing the possibility of going to jail. Even though she is hot. Yes, even though she is really freaking hot.

Her arguement of course is that she is too hot to go to jail. That is of course understandable. But should she not still go to jail? It was of course a tragedy that she brought upon the life of that poor 14 year old boy. Someone that will be forced to live the rest of their life knowing that they did it with a hot teacher when they were only 14. A senseless tragedy.

So - in the view of The Brad - she should be sent to the Hot Chicks Prison For The Criminally Hot Chick. There, she would be incarcerated with similarly hot chicks that have done unspeakable harm to poor defenseless teenage boys. In The Brad's own personal research involving female prisons, research dating decades back to his early teenage years which he spent countless hours late at night reviewing film which accurately depicted life of the imprisoned woman, The Brad can postively state that Debra Lafave would face a fair imprisonment, in the Hot Chicks Prison For The Criminally Hot Chick.

Granted of course, full 24 hour access via television & web was provided to the public - in order of course to provide a real warning to Hot Chicks, before they ravege the pure unspoiled body of the teenage boy.

New Shit Has Come To Light, Man

noreply@blogger.com (longmont resident) — Sat, 16 Jul 2005 15:43:00 +0000

I saw Judas Priest reunion show for free last month.

I saw Dinosaur Jr. reunion show (J Mascis + Lou Barlow + Murph) 2 weeks ago at the Variety Playhouse. I actually went without Melissa, with a neighbor & his girlfriend who is another neighbor (Peyton Place shit going down). I like it.

I like my new job. I think - it's tough to describe it. It's very different b/c I don't actually DO stuff, I attend meetings & I talk. But people seem to think I know what I'm talking about, so that is cool.

I play Grand Theft Auto a lot. A whole lot. I don't want to do much else, so I'm happy.

Hello John

noreply@blogger.com (longmont resident) — Fri, 24 Jun 2005 14:36:00 +0000

One of the most confused pop songs in this past century is by the troubled artist Lionel Richie. His music was full of such torment, much like Wesley Willis - he desperately searched for some understanding regarding his tormented soul. In 'Hello', he explores his destructive love for his split personality, which despite the obvious similarities (such as sharing the same human body) he finds difficulty to asking out on a date. But because so many do not understand the true intent of his words, I will provide you - the lay person - a translation.

Hello - Lionel Richie

I've been alone with you inside my mind
And in my dreams I've kissed your lips a thousand times
I sometimes see you pass outside my door
Hello, is it me you're looking for?

I can see it in your eyes
I can see it in your smile
You're all I've ever wanted, (and) my arms are open wide
'Cause you know just what to say
And you know just what to do
And I want to tell you so much, I love you ...

I long to see the sunlight in your hair
And tell you time and time again how much I care
Sometimes I feel my heart will overflow
Hello, I've just got to let you know

'Cause I wonder where you are
And I wonder what you do
Are you somewhere feeling lonely, or is someone loving you?
Tell me how to win your heart
For I haven't got a clue
But let me start by saying, I love you ...

Hello, is it me you're looking for?
'Cause I wonder where you are
And I wonder what you do
Are you somewhere feeling lonely or is someone loving you?
Tell me how to win your heart
For I haven't got a clue
But let me start by saying ... I love you

It appears I have developed multiple personalities
Additionally, I am becoming delusional
and even transfer my own obsessive habits to my split personality
I ask, am I seeking my own true self through my own psycotic behavior?

I delusionally see it in the eyes of my split personality
I delusionally see it in the smile of my split personality
My split personality is all I've ever wanted, and I am waiting for acceptance
Because certainly I would understand what I (or my split personality) would have to say
Additionally, I (or my split personality) would need to do
And I want to tell myself so much, I love me...

I long to see the sunlight in my hair, rather than my afro
And tell myself time & time how much I care
Sometimes I feel irregular heart palpitations
Hello, I've just got let me know

'Cause I wonder where I am
And I wonder what I do
Am I somewhere feeling lonely, or am I loving myself?
Tell me how to win my heart
For the moments of clarity I truly am confused
But let me start by saying... I love me