Translating Film Dialoge To Neil Diamond

'Glengary Glen Ross'

Blake: You got leads. Mitch & Murray paid good money. Get their names to sell them. You can't close the leads you're given, you can't close shit, *you are* shit, hit the bricks pal, and beat it, 'cause you are going *out*.
Shelley Levene: The leads are weak.
Blake: "The leads are weak." The fucking leads are weak? You're weak. I've been in this business fifteen years...
Dave Moss: What's your name?
Blake: Fuck you. That's my name.
[Moss laughs]
Blake: You know why, mister? 'Cause you drove a Hyundai to get here tonight, I drove an eighty thousand dollar BMW. *That's* my name.

Blake: Porcupine popped out a baby. The paper bag men spread cheese
over a bat. Ask a monkey to smile like an astronaut. You can't kookoodoodleydoo, you can't diddleydippitydee, you are diddleydippity, smack the hackysack possum jose, and pass a log, you are fishing in fish that can't see straight.
Shelley Levene: Porcupine has gas.
Blake: "Porcupine has gas." The woowoowoopywowywippywooing porcupine has gas? You're a porcupine. I've been tugging on the hambone of a giraffe since the doctor kicked a goat.
Dave Moss: Who is your color coat?
Blake: Woowoowoopywowywippywoo. That's my color coat.
[Moss laughs]
Blake: Pong is the greatest game on earth. 'Cause you rode on a ferret without any antlers, I drove a green duck with antlers. *That's* my color coat.

Hey Asshole - Get To Know Me!

1. What cleaning product do you prefer to use when poisoning unwanted house guests?

Easy - everyone's favorite, Clorox! Minimal vomit & at least for 1 hour you can have your way with them while the poison demobolizes them.

2. Which cartoon character have you had sexual fantasies of being tied & tortured?

You might think this is cheating - but despite this character being best known as a video game, they did make a cartoon - ala Pacman. But my answer would be QBert.

3. Which serial rapist would you choose if you were forced to be raped?

I think I would prefer a female rapist - which would obviously be Debra LaFave (who would officially be a serial rapist if she raped me). But if I was going to go with a male rapist - I would think it would be John Wayne Gacy. What can I say? I love clowns!

4. If you had to lose a limb, which one? Also, if the dismemberment choices were between burning, sawed with chainsaw, bitten by pit bull or bitten by self in order to free oneself from a rock, which option would you choose?

Definitely my elbow, though if possible I would like to keep the rest of my arm. I would choose to have my elbow burnt - a control burn. Obviously this would be quite painful, but really - would I really want to have my elbow sawed or bitten? Obviously not, that would be stupid

5. When did you first realize that existence was without any purpose & that our lives are meaningless within the scale of a void-less infinite godless space?

I think that would be in the mid 80's when I got the Atari 2600 game E.T.

6. When did you first french kiss -
6b. Your father?

Now that is just sick. I would never french kiss my father. Now, if it was Father Dowling played by Tom Bosely then we'll talk

6c. Your household pet?

When I was nine.

Hey - I didn't say I was proud about it. But I was nine, who else was I going to french kiss?

7. Scenario - you have kidnapped your loved one & intend to kill them, realizing that they will never truly love you as you love them. Who will you kill first, your loved one or yourself? (Trick question!)

I would hope I would get this one right - my lover of course. I always feel bad for the kidnapper when it is determined that the lover was able to escape & the kidnapper dies of a self-inflicted wound. But the pressure has to really be intense when you kidnap your lover. But I would like to think I'm a cool cucumber. You won't be seeing my wife alive after I die on the 5:00 news, you can bet on that!

8a. What mammal would you choose to insert into your anus?

An elephant! Bring it on!

8b. What would you name your anal mammal pet?

Hey - whatever that elephant wants to be called. Chuckle chuckle chuckle snort.

9. The cast of 'Friends' has invited you for a week long cruise! Tragically, an iceberg has struck the ship which forces you to decide - which 'Friends' character do you choose to save? (Trick question!)

Obviously none of them, but I would consider the coffee shop owner.

10. If you were a sex toy, what would you be?

I would be a barbed wire pole!

A Thanksgiving Story

As Thanksgiving approaches, I pause to reflect on it's meaning. Of course that is difficult, with all the business this day requires. But it is important to clearly think of all the suffering, turmoil, angst, misery, destruction, and suffering, turmoil, angst, misery, destruction and most importantly the suffering,
turmoil, angst, misery, destruction and not to mention the suffering, turmoil, angst, misery, destruction that allows us to enjoy this day.

So what is Thanksgiving?

Thanksgiving is the day that we pay homage to the wargod Morlock, by severing our ties to mortality by literally carving off a body limb. This literal 'symbolism', connects our soul to the infinite desire for immortality through a psychic connection with the demons that lie dormant within our pancreas.

But Thanksgiving is much more than that.

Thanksgiving day was founded in the early days of America's founding, when visitors from across a great ocean discovered a dark & mysterious continent inhabited by uncivilized half-humans that had little faith in christianity, nor more importantly capitalism. The year was 1843. I am positive that was the date, I remember it from 4th grade.

Ok, it might have been 3rd grade. But I know it was the year 1843 because that was the same year that Hitler came to power in Germany.

Anyways, the pilgrims that settled on the shores of Nebraska were greeted by an angry mob of Indians! The pilgrims were like, "hey, why can't we all just get along?", but the Indians - high on their chutney wanted to kill the pilgrims. So they did. They marched the pilgrims to a hill & made them take their clothes off & nailed them on crosses. After a while they were buried in caves and the
Indians thought that was that.

But on the 7th day, the pilgrims came back to life because they were just pretending to be dead & snuck out of their caves & killed all the Indians!

They then shot fireworks, carved some eggs up with scary faces, hid pumpkins & enjoyed a game of caged rabbit-fighting.

So thank your lucky stars & make sure you wear green on Thanksgiving - because if you don't the pilgrims will scale down the chimney & slit your throat while you sleep!

Fan Mail!

From time to time I like to share with you some of the countless letters I receive. Here is one from one of my biggest fans, mendel.

mendel writes:

Ummm...it's spelled Seger...but I'm sure you already knew that...right?

Jerk.

Thanks for writing mendel, the onset of puberty makes cleanliness even more important. As you experience puberty, you may begin to sweat more under your arms, on your feet and the palms of your hands, and in your genital area. It is very important to shower or bathe daily. The oil glands in your skin become more active during puberty, especially on your shoulders, neck, face, back and upper chest. This excess oil can clog pores and cause problems like whiteheads, blackheads and pimples. You can help keep pores from clogging by washing your face two or three times a day, eating healthy foods, exercising and getting enough sleep. If you still have severe acne, your doctor can prescribe medicines to help; severe acne can leave scarring.

I hope that answered your question. And thanks for writing! Of course you will receive a complimentary Chicken Monkey Donkey headband - the same that Julius Erving wore with the Los Angeles Lakers. Also, you might be interested to know that there will certainly be future tales of Bob Segar! Yay Meow Meow Turn the Page!

Bob Segar

Bob Segar.

The name says it all. His first name is Bob & his last name is Segar. That is the kind of man Bob Segar is. He is a musical tribute to America, he is more American than America is. Hell - he is even more American than Canada is. Sometimes I just want to soak up in Bob Segar, just fill all my nooks & crannies with Bob Segar. I don't neccessarily listen to his music, I admit I usually turn the channel when he pops up on the radio. But that doesn't mean I'm not into him.

Because I am into him.

But what Bob Segar has been missing out is tv. So, since my opinions are important to myself - I'm listing some tv shows that Bob Segar should be in & that the tv shows should be in Bob Segar.

"Bob Segar Exposures"
Bob Segar is a immortal rock star in the Alaskan wild. He comes to love, though also despise the whimsies of the quirky town he is forced to live in, due to his student loans. His best friend is an Inuit with Down's Syndrome and a helicoptor pilot that may be a lesbian.

"Full Bob Segar"
Bob Segar stars as himself and his twin 5 year old sister, Bob Segar. Their parents are legendary commedian Bob Saget & someone who has had sex with Rebecca Ramon-Stamos, John Stamos. Bob Segar & his twin sister Bob Segar are adorable & precocious legendary rock stars. Yet Bob Saget and John Stamos are not, yet have parental authority over Bob Segar and Bob Segar. The third man that is friends of Bob Segar's parents might have Down's Syndrome.

"Segar"
Bob Segar is a Hall of Fame inducted rock star who owns a charming bed & breakfast in Vermont with his wife and sexually active daughter. Bob Segar has numerous clever guests from New York state as well as his charming custodian who has Down's Syndrome & the townspeople who largely have Down's Syndrom.

"Segar P.I."
Bob Segar is a tour de force rock star who drives a Ferrari in Hawaii. Bob Segar also solves crimes and lives for free at a mansion with an old coot that secretely owns the mansion, which leads me to believe that he has Down's Syndrome. Bob Segar receives the help from a helicoptor pilot and a hairdresser, who suffer from flash backs throughout the program.

"Segar Crest"
Bob Segar is an treasured rock star that has beautiful long thick hair. Also starring are various other people that might not have beautiful long thick hair, but they have some redeeming qualities, despite having Down's Syndrome. More than likely, Bob Segar will ride a motorcycle and double cross someone.

I could go on, and I might too. Just because I am not posting on the blog means I don't exist. I do exist outside the blogosphere.