I Am What I Am

The scariest thing about art is when there is a unique piece that directly mirrors your own existence. That is the case with Hillary Duff's opus 'I Am What I Am'. What scares me is that there is someone else out there that creates something that so completely describes my own inner-soul, without even knowing me. That is scary. Hillary Duff either is stalking me, or is able to look into a crystal ball & is able to look into my soul.

And I kind of like it.

These are the lyrics of her song. Read them, read them like you're reading my diary. The diary chapter of me after a fight over my parents not allowing me to stay up & watch Dawson's Creek. That chapter which I was moved by a Pokemon cartoon. Very personal shit man.

I'm an angel, I'm a devil
I am sometimes in between
I'm as bad it can get
And good as it can be
Sometimes I'm a million colors
Sometimes I'm black and white
I am all extremes
Try figure me out you never can
There's so many things I am

I am special
I am beautiful
I am wonderful
And powerful
Unstoppable
Sometimes I'm miserable
Sometimes I'm pitiful
But that's so typical of all the things I am

I'm someone filled with self-belief
And haunted by self-doubt
I've got all the answers
I've got nothing figured out
I like to be by myself
I hate to be alone
I'm up and I am down
But that's part of the thrill
Part of the plan
Part of all of the things I am

I am special
I am beautiful
I am wonderful
And powerful
Unstoppable
Sometimes I'm miserable
Sometimes I'm pitiful
But that's so typical of all the things I am

I'm a million contradictions
Sometimes I make no sense
Sometimes I'm perfect
Sometimes I'm a mess
Sometimes I'm not sure who I am

I am special
I am beautiful
I am wonderful
And powerful
Unstoppable
Sometimes I'm miserable
Sometimes I'm pitiful
But that's so typical of all the things I am

I am special
I am beautiful
I am wonderful
And powerful
Unstoppable
Sometimes I'm miserable
Sometimes I'm pitiful
But that's so typical of all the things I am
Of all the things I am
Sometimes I'm miserable
Sometimes I'm pitiful
But that's so typical of all the things I am
Of all the things I am

The following are actual items from the song that directly refer to me:

Angel - I have in fact been deified by God as a winged ambasador to humans.
Devil - Not literally, but sometimes I do enjoy indiscrimanitely drugging children & later in my basement saw their limbs as their tortorous screams fill the void of their life.
Bad - I'm Michael Jackson bad.
Good - What is good? Doesn't being good at being bad count?
Million Colors - I don't know, I'll ask my wife how many numbers are in a RGB value.
Black & White - That is tricky, I will have to admit I only know of Caucasian ancestory.
Extremes - I love Moutain Dew.
Special - My councelor in school would always tell me that I'm special whenever kids called me 'retard'.
Beautiful - I do have a 10 inch penis, doesn't that count?
Wonderful - Now, that is relative, but I suppose I am full of wonder. But I also have some blood. But I'm pretty sure it's mostly wonder.
Powerful - At my whim I can determine if a computer is on or not.
Unstoppable - Well, I'm no Carter the Sex Machine, but my wife has difficulty stopping me from looking at internet porn.
Miserable - My Xbox 360 hasn't arrived yet. :(
Pitiful - This is a visual, you need to see my puppy eyes. Of course I don't have puppy eyes, I just cut some eyes from a dog & I'm holding them up to my eyes pretending they are mine.
Self-Belief - I believe I exist.
Self-Doubt - But I doubt I believe I exist.
Answer - 42!
Nothing Figured Out - Well obviously that isn't true, because I know all the answers. I don't know what Lindsey was meaning when she wrote this line.
Be by myself - I like to be by myself, as long as there are other people around.
Hate to be alone. I hate being alone, as long as everyone else shuts up.
Up & Down - This is self explanatary.
Million Contradictions - I can't verify this, so far I have only been able to count 2 contradictions. One being I like Bud Lite, because of the taste but also because it is light. The other being I consider myself a moral person, but again - that whole drugging / cutting children up thing.
Make no sense - Yeah, ok - Hillary does indeed make no sense, because I think I usually do.
Mess - I have those squiggly marks over my head like Pigpen in Peanuts.
Not Sure Who I Am - I'm like that guy from Memento, I have to get tattoos like, "Clean the cat litter when you come home from work" & "Wear gloves when you bury the kid".

Thanks Hillary! I'm glad I don't have to write a song about me, because that would be hard, so I appreciate you putting in those long hours doing that for me.

The Lottery - The Redneck Savings Account

I'm not a lottery player, I've played it 3 times in my life. But of course I have a little dream where I do win it, and all is good. But one thing that makes me want to play it more - is so I can stop all the rednecks from winning. Why are these people allowed to play?

I'm talking about the couple from some assfuck town who don't plan on quiting their jobs & aren't planning on going anywhere. Of course they have & will spend it on Hummers - no, not even the good kind, but the SUV type - & whatever the Fingerhut catalog offers. This is the epitome of white trash, or what the world calls - Americans. They would prefer to stock up their lives with as much crap as you could buy from the store, than any real 'experiences'.

They claim they don't want to travel because their kid is in college, no the kid is not retarded, blind, limbless, or gay - he is just some normal kid going to tech school to learn how to repair saw mills. Again - what is the kind of person that doesn't want to travel because they obviously feel everything is right there in their community? Rednecks.

"The Eiffel Tower? We got a water tower that is just as nice"

"The lions in the Serengeti? We got bobcats that go after our chickens at night, I don't need to see anymore wild cats"

"The culinary masters of northern Italy? There's an Olive Garden down the highway in town"

Plus they are going to establish a non-profit organization. Booooring. What are they going save? All those kids that are going to hell because they play too much video games like Doom? So they'll team up with Mel Gibson & launch a multi-million dollar software company that produces action games such as "Moses vs Demonic Galactic Hair Dressers" or "Jesus Walk On Water Dance Challenge". Or maybe they will start a missionary service for those poor godless cats & dogs in the county pound. Oh, they will still be put to sleep - but at least they will go to heaven now.

So - who would the Brad spend the money on?

Myfuckingself.

That obviously includes my wife. I will also throw a few cents to my family & loved ones. But otherwise I will unleash a new era on Earth of me. Over the years I have determined what my great contributions will be:

* In my hometown in South Carolina, I will clear a full city block in downtown, pave it with asphalt & call it a plaza. In the center will be a magnificent 2 story statue of me, wielding a sword up to the sky & on the other hand the head of Stephen - a child hood bully. A moat will be constructed & red dye will gush out of my mouth filling the moat. Additionally security barb wire fence will surround the plaza & the song 'Eat The Rich' by Motorhead will fill the air.

* My child hood home will be converted to a museum to honor me. It is a ranch style home built in a 1970's subdivision full of typical "if I won the lottery I would keep my job" kind of people. The museum will accurately depict my life - when I killed Adolf Hitler, my four way with Angelina Jolie & the Olsen Twins, my anointing by God which produced my super strengths like looking through people's clothes. Of course the exhibits will all be staffed by trained monkeys.

* I will build a streetcar route on Memorial Dr in Atlanta, which I will be the conductor of. One thing though, the streetcars will all have mechanical face plates & will all speak in very gay English accents - I know, same thing. Along the route will be a number of businesses & attractions that I will operate - such as the kitty cat zoo & a legal crack house. Atlanta will be the crack Amsterdam of the world.

* I will neuter the entire Bush family.