An evil demon lives in mah belly!

And my nurse says "It's ok!"

Actually what happened is this: I started having bad cramping this weekend. Wait. Did I say bad? I mean, the kind that makes you begin to curse creatively, combining normal words into such expletive sentences as to make them sound like swearing.

Yeah, that kind.

I thought of going back in through the roadkill belly button and digging around to see if I could find the little demon that the doctor must have forgotten to remove. I didn't know what instrument would be best for that sort of exploration, so I left it alone.

I gazed wistfully at that siren bottle of Chambord that was lulling me with its lovely raspberry-scented amour. But I resisted.

I punched a hole in the couch scrunchie pillow. Little white beads of styro-something spilled onto the couch. Eh, fahkit. I laid down in it anyhow. Well, "laid down" is sort of inaccurate. I hunkered down in fetal position and willed myself unconscious is more like it.

This morning the demon was in full swing. He had invited other demon friends over and they were having a big time kegger in my ute and didn't invite ME. Bastardheads. Every now and then, Knifey the Sword-Wielding Demon would stab my pelvis and laugh. "Ha-HA!" he'd say. "Stab her again", Host Demon Asswad would shout back.

I called my doctor. "What tha faaaaaaaaahck?" I said to her nurse. "I am having horrible cramps. I thought you said I was FIXED NOW?!! Is this NORMAL?"

"OH YEAH!" She replied. "The first period after a laparoscopy SUCKS!!!! Add I do mean SUUUUU-UUUUUUCKS!! Do you need more drugs?"

And that's that. So I am imagining that in short order, the demon party in my belly is going to closely resemble every single scene in Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas (even the one where Dr. Gonzo is sitting in the pool of filth begging Raoul Duke to toss the radio into the water when White Rabbit peaks). They will be drugged out of their GOURDS, at my hand. I am sure that the party will go on for quite a while, according to the prophetic Nurse Scare-me-to-death.

What sucks---my period hasn't even STARTED YET. OOT-OOT-OOOOOOOH!

WINTER STORM 2005!!!

Ok, we only got <1/2" of snow and ice, but Atlanta is in a tizzy over it. It's beautiful and cold, though.

We were supposed to have guests this weekend, but they chickened out. I don't blame them, the roads aren't terribly safe and they would have been interstate traveling. It's too bad. I was pretty excited about seeing them. It's been a long time. Damn you, Snowmiser.

What will I be doing today? Watching movies, eating ice cream, playing with the kitties. I promise I won't be drinking, however. I have been quite the teetotaler since one month prior to the laparoscopy and will be continuing for a while longer. I am hoping that come IVF, my eggs will be in better shape. It's a theory. And, oh yeah, I will be Googling and studying the IVF packet my RE gave me, while daydreaming about our consultation scheduled for March 1. Did I mention we decided to go forth with IVF?

March 1. One month left to go before a world of crazy hits the Drab household.

Peculiar..

I had a bladder infection. I was on doxycycline, then Sulfa, then Cipro. My immune system was depressed because of the infection I had, plus recovering from surgery in general. I fully expected Candidiasis of Mythological Proportions.

I am knocking on every scrap of wood I see, but so far, no Yeastie Beastie Feast.

So far.

Perhaps it is the massive ton of acidophilus and cranberry pills I've been taking. Maybe it is the yogurt I've been snarfing. Maybe ecoli kicks yeast ass and it didn't stand a prayer. Maybe it was the candida treatments I did several years ago. Maybe Akeeyu Buttmansion was not exaggerating when she said she hoardes the earth's supply of candida yeast.

Or maybe it is just waiting to POUNCE when I am least expecting it. That's probably it. I am sure I have doomed myself now that I have mentioned it. Excuse me while I go powerslam an acidophilus capsule with a yogurt chaser.

A Family Tradition

To quote The Dude, "New shit has come to light, man."

I've been talking to my mother and grandmother about this crazy endometriosis crap. Turns out it goes back.. way back.

My mother had endometriosis. Had a total hysterectomy at age 29 (I previously thought it was 26.)

My grandmother (maternal) had endometriosis with heavy, painful, clotted periods and massive ovarian cysts. Total hysterectomy at 31.

My great-grandmother (maternal) had endometriosis. Had a total hysterectomy at 32.

My aunt (mother's sister) has endometriosis and refused a hysterectomy.

I have three cousins with similar symptoms.

It's a family thing. We are very close and like to imitate each other I guess. This information would have been useful three years ago.

Maybe donor eggs wouldn't be such a bad idea.

Finding Yang

For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.
-Newton's Third Law of Motion

Tuesday was a bad day. I learned I had both a massive bacterial infection in the same hour that it was revealed I was physically no closer to a successful pregnancy than I was three years ago. I went home to my bed, which provided little comfort for my feverish, pain-wracked body. I took my atomic antibiotics, I drank liters of water. I wept for my ovaries who wished they had a better cache.

The rest of the week passed by and my body gradually healed. Friday came.

Friday was a good day. Friday was as good a day as Tuesday was bad. There were no peace treaties signed. No winning lottery numbers. No touching tales of human kindness. But it was a good day nevertheless.

I felt good. I don't mean, "I felt better". I mean, I had no idea I had been that sick. I felt a zenlike peace at work. Work didn't frustrate me. Co-workers didn't irritate me as frequently happened in the past. My body felt alive, energetic, healthy. I didn't suffer from the chronic exhaustion that always plagues me at 3pm. I didn't have those weird random aches in my body that I always passed off as "normal" in the past. I didn't cramp. I didn't feel weepy. I just felt good.

Also, we got two refund checks that we'd been eagerly anticipating. I had a marvelous bowl of seafood bisque for lunch. I got to hear the new song from Queens of the Stone Age (my favorite band who had hurt my feelings severely last year when they announced their breakup, thankfully a short-lived breakup). I got work done, in spite of being out of the office for so long.

But then there was the frosting on my cake. Through a series of conversations, emotional clearing, and a renewed zest, I managed to fall in love with my husband all over again. I was reminded that he is my happiness and whatever happens to us, if it's only ever "just us", that is the important constant.

I found the yang for Tuesday's yin.

New drinking game

I can't play because I am trying desperately to prevent a potential yeast infection from hell thanks to the hands of Cipro and the other happy funtime antibiotic gang.

But here's a drinking game for the rest of you, should you choose to accept. Watch a Bush speech. Every time he says "Freedom", "Justice" or "Terror", take a shot. Then report the results to me. While you're drunk, of course.

Mon Corps est l'hôtesse d'une Fete de Bacterieres

If you are a fluent speaker of French, forgive my rusty translations. But "my body is playing hostess to a huge systemic e-coli infection" sounds far better in French. (Note: Thank you for the French correction, Anon.. most obliged.)

Could I just have a laparoscopy that was "normal"? No.
Could I have just gotten a normal bladder infection? No.
Could I have gone through that and actually had the answer to my woes? No to that one too.

To recap, last Wednesday, I had a setback. A urinary tract infection with bladder stones. I was fainting every time I peed. I peed in a cup for a urinalysis to check for bacteria. The post-op appointment was yesterday. I was already feeling very bad. Flu-like bad. Aches and fever, like my entire body was in trauma. The nurse said, "You are probably dehydrated." I knew that wasn't it.

Doc came in, said, "Yeah, you have a crazy mad systemic e-coli infection and it is completely resistant to the antibiotics you are on right now." And that's why I felt like I was dying. So I was given Cipro (you know, the drug made famous as the stuff they give Anthrax victims,) and told to double up on my acidophilus intake.

Did it end there? No, she kept talking.

She apologized for a misunderstanding. After the surgery, she had forgotten that I was a miscarriage patient, because when she sees THAT MUCH ENDOMETRIOSIS, it is almost always an infertility patient, so she told Brad, "I feel pretty confident that's what was causing the problem." Her idea of "problem" did not match OUR idea.

What I'm getting at is that I have not been cured. The endo did not cause my miscarriages, at all. Her best guess, given our history, Brad's stellar SCSA results, and the reason for our last loss---is that my eggs are shite.

We have 6 months, before the endo begins to return, to decide to do IVF with genetic testing of the embryos and then how to pay for it, or to hold our noses and dive into the genetic pool and take a chance with natural conception and see if we chose the lucky reproductive lottery numbers.

Ain't that a pickle!?

The Adventures of the Infertile and Hormona V.2

It took me a long time, a lot of Percoset, and a lot (A LOT--read: I worked my ASS off for you people) of drawing, but I did it.

I bring you...

Volume Two in the Adventures of The Infertile and Hormona.

Confounding complications

Why does it hurt when I pee?
I don't want no doctor
To stick no needle in me
Why does it hurt when I pee?

I had a complication post-op. I developed bladder stones which led to a lot of pain, some infection and several episodes of fainting and wanting to barf. Plus, I had to make an extra trip to the doctor for a new medication to add to my collection--sulfa drugs. The yeasts should be preparing for their big Pelvic Picnic right about now.

Well I took the drugs, as prescribed, and promptly proceeded to be very, very ill.

"Oh, take with FOOD you say?"

A couple doses of Phenergan (anti-nausea) later, I was feeling much better. But it still hurt when I peed. Today, I pee without consequence, without abandon. I pee like the wind, like a maniac freed from the confines of a padded prison. Oh do I revel in the glory of pain-free urination.

Now the yogurt therapy begins. No yeasty-beasties attacking MY flippyflaps, thankewverymuch. Not after all the crap I've gone through this week.

*thrusts Stage Four trophy into the air*

Lap Day (Updates)

Happy Lap Day everyone!!! It's that time of the year for the festive holiday tradition where Santa RE cuts open the Infertile and removes all the presents from her body cavity. Hooray! The festivities are a scant few hours away. I hope they find a pony in there, I always wanted a pony.

Brad and I know how to celebrate properly. For Lap Day Eve, we had some togetherness time. I got a massive migraine that was unlike anything I've ever known before, and he took me to the emergency room for an IV of major drugs to kill the migraine and send it back to hell--oh and I also got a CAT SCAN! No, silly-billies, I don't mean my kitty cats ran all over my body (although they did do that later in the day.) The CAT scan said my brain was still there and didn't have any ponies hiding in it.

Today is going to ROCK!
________________________

Hey everyone, this is me. Brad updated you all, but I am bored laying in bed so I thought I'd update a little.

Yes, I did have endo. BOY did I. Endo Stage IV, my left ovary was COVERED in the stuff. Can I get a "Daaaaaaaaamn!!"? I was a mess, and I have some butt-ugly pictures of my guts to prove it. But my RE is the bomb and she cleaned me up. My belly feels like the post-take scene from Alien where the creature pops out of the guy. Sleeping is a challenge, but the drugs do help out a lot. I even had a drugged-out delusion of my next issue of The Infertile. Now, if I can just get the energy to draw it.

We've been told (so far) that we can start trying again in a month. RE thinks (is fairly certain) that this pile of crap that's been gluing together my insides is the primary cause of my miscarriages. This harbors the question, "why didn't you people get on this sooner??? Like seven babies ago, huh?" But whatever. If it works, I am grateful for the surgery now rather than later.

I am also grateful for ALL OF YOU. Brad's been coming in to the bedroom periodically to give me the scoop on posts from all of you wonderful people. You all rock. Thank you thank you thank you.

I guess I will be getting my stitched up ass back to bed now. Thank you again.

Thar's GOLD in them thar veins..

Moving right along..

I had my pre-op appointment this morning. You know, where they scare the living bejeezus out of you with the details of exactly WHAT they are going to do to you. I get twitchy when words are thrown around like "Catheter", "Throat Tube", "Extreme Nausea" and "Maybe more than just a couple incisions."

Before the details were laid out, I had Prospector Jane digging for gold in my poor sad little left arm. Eventually she found it before everything grew dark around me. It's not the bloodletting that makes me woozy, it's having a needle twisting and turning in my arm, banging into nerve after nerve that unsettles my tummy. She asked me something like, "Blah blah blah.. that TV doctor... Doogie Howzer?" I was in the middle of blacking out, so I have no idea what she was asking, but I hope the first part of that question wasn't, "So did you hear your surgery will be performed by..."

Back in the exam room, I answered all the pertinent questions about my general health, growing more and more convinced that my body is a klunker and I should be looking into trading it up for a shiny new model soon. Then came the Q&A. My turn.

RE: "Do you have any questions or concerns?"
Me: (pulling out notebook) "The pain in my diaphragm area, will you be taking a look there? I know diaphragmatic endo is rare, but hey I like to buck the odds."
RE: "Umm. Yes. I will be."
Me: "Is there a chance my endo is related to my asthma?"
RE: "Potentially."
Me: "What about this year's hot trend, recurrent miscarriages? Is there a potential link?"
RE: "That is a debate within the medical community. Some of us think yes, others say no, still others are undecided. I think yes, because if you have endo, your hormones are [out of whack] and it stands to reason that it can convince your otherwise pregnant body that it is period time. Also, if the overall health isn't great, it's more difficult to sustain a healthy pregnancy."
Me: "And the #1 concern: I am scared silly that you are going to go in there, have a look around, then come back out and say, 'Everything looks clean.'"
RE: "I am not going to guarantee you, but I can pretty much say with almost absolute certainty that that won't happen."
Me: "Explain."
RE: "I don't prescribe or perform a laparoscopy unless I am ABSOLUTELY sure there is going to be something there. Knowing what you are going through, your symptoms and your history... there's going to be something in there worth checking out. I can almost promise you that. I am pretty excited about it."
Me: "Ok, but if you do find Jimmy Hoffa in there, would you smack him around before letting him go? That crap he's been doing to my diaphragm hurts a lot."
RE: "....."
Me: "Nevermind. See ya Monday."

HORRIFIED.

I am so angry I can hardly catch my breath. We live in the year 2005 and yet there are still people out there, namely CAVEMEN who still believe that women are just dirty trash who are there to give men their progeny and well, that's pretty much IT.

Through the blogging grapevine, this link was discovered:
Virginia's proposed bill HB1677, “Report of Fetal Death by mother, penalty”

This simply states that in the event of fetal death without medical intervention (read: miscarriage), it will be punishable by law as a misdemeanor (12 months/$2500) if a woman miscarries and fails to notify authorities within 12 hours.

Yeah.

WOMAN PREGNANT. WOMAN BLEED. WOMAN NO TELL. WOMAN GO TO JAIL. *pounds fist into chest*

Since I am so furious my fingers keep skipping across the keyboard, you can read a better blog entry on this topic here:

The author is a Dean supporter, but regardless of your political afflilation, if you a tremendous jackass who finds this law to be acceptable, you should pull your head out of your own ass. It is NOT acceptable. EVER.

A year passes...

Resolutions:


I kept last year's resolution exceptionally. I perfected the use of chopsticks, both in dining (which required long and strenuous hours of eating Chinese and Thai food) and in hair styles. I set my goals low like that.

This year, my resolution will be equally lofty. For 2005, I resolve to.. oh hell, I don't know. Ok, I resolve to finish, let's say, at least 3 episodes of The Infertile. I was going to say, "I resolve to not be as pissy", but let's be honest here--I would break that resolution before the ink dried.
_______________________________

What 2004 taught me:

· My body is stupid.
· Uteruses (Uteri?) and ovaries are stupid.
· Otherwise dorky Hobbitses are actually kinda hot.
· Pit your doctors against each other--it's the only way to get things done.
_______________________________

In Memoriam:

We saw our daughter's heartbeat in 2004. She didn't survive, but we met her on the blobby ultrasound screen. I carried her picture around in my purse and showed her off. That is worth everything in the world to me. I don't talk about her much anymore because I cry when I do. But her birthday was estimated to be tomorrow, Jan. 4. She was beautiful for the 9 weeks we knew her, and even though I can still not bring myself to call her by a given name, she is always on my mind. As wretched a year as 2004 was, it ended in melancholy because it was her year. I miss her. I will always miss her.

The 2004 Jackass Awards

Happy 2005 to everyone! I hope 2005 brings you all good fortune and happiness. In my bid to kick 2004 out with a loud asskicking, I bring you ... the Jackasses of 2004.

All of the nominees were winners. But these are the Jackasses that stood out in 2004:

Jackass Physician of the Year
Dr. Love (unanimous vote)

Jackass Medical Staff Member (other than physician)
Satan's Niece

Jackass Assvice Giver
SILs from Hell

Jackass Assvice
"It was God's will."

Jackass Troll
Holly

Congratulations to our winners. With so much dedication, you are all truly Royal Jackasses!

Join us next year for the 2nd annual Jackass Awards!