VOTING TIME!

Place your votes for 2004 Jackass of the Year Awards... And the Nominees are:

Jackass Physician:

Dr. Love, who made incredibly poor judgement in the diagnosis of Getupgrrl. He neglected to notice on multiple ultrasounds, HSGs and SHGs that her uterus WAS INDEED t-shaped. Instead he told her it was "fine" and then proceeded to overcook her eggs and blame them for the losses. All the while maintaining a suave and "caring" facade while coaxing her into a procedure that could very likely have killed her and her unborn child had it gone any further.

Dr. Leondaris at "The Clinic" in Norwalk, CT, for smugly sitting there and telling Susinalexa he wouldn't even consider cycling with her because it would screw up his pretty numbers and then asking her why she wasn't crying. "Don't be afraid to cry. I make a lot of women cry," he said as if it were something to be proud of.

Dr. StupidBitch for asking Thisgirl EVERY time.....EVERY TIME she was in her office "You already have a child don't you?"


Jackass Medical Staff Member:

Nurse VeinSearch, who decided that Digging For Veins should be a sport.

Wand Monkey--they're all pretty much the same.

"Not My Job" Lab Tech who refused to accept Sandy's husband's sperm sample, even though she was standing there, in the middle of the hallway, holding it and crying.

Mary Bobbins Jen P.'s mid-wife's British back-up who told her that cramps at 7 weeks meant imminent miscarriage and to please give her a call when the bleeding started, throwing Jen into a horrible loop. No bleeding yet, bitch!

That Nurse who suggested Akeeyu go off painkillers during her period, despite that pesky tendency of hers to (oops!) black out from pain.

Satan's niece, the lab tech at the hospital the day of my d&c, just after I'd had an ultrasound reveal my baby had died. Confusing my mournful sobbing with a tearful fear of the needle, she kept squawking "just relaaaaaaaax, just relaaaaaaaax.." over and over in this shrill Minnie Mouse with strep voice. Then the bitch told Brad and I with a peppy giggle that "Ya know, whenever something bad happens to me, I think back to something bad that happened two or three years ago and JUST CAN'T remember why it seemed so bad at the time."


Jackass Assvice Giver:

The Twilight Zone Gyno who told Oro's friend E that the optimum time to get pregnant was during the 5 days before and after her period. (that one stuns me.)

SILs From Hell My SILs L & C are in the minority of SILs who have common sense and decency when it comes to infertility and miscarriages. However many SILs suck ass and are ready and willing to offer up tons of useless advice on how to get pregnant, stay pregnant or alternatives to pregnancy.

Dr. Love- He's supposed to know what the hell he's doing and he f!@#ed getupgrrl around for years.

The Visualizer who has said to "visualize" ovulating (nurse), sperm swimming (nurse), sperm impregnating (nurse), periods (husband), implantation (husband), twins (another nurse), no twins (BOSS!), happy places (therapist), not spotting (mother), or migrating placentas (Midwife) (from Anonymous).

The Aunt who said "you should just take a cruise and you will get pregnant."

The Lucky Helpful whose mantra is "I got pregnant, SO CAN YOU!!"


Jackass Assvice:

"Just relax."

"It was God's will."

"It's so good that adoption takes long time. It will give you and Matt time to grow up!" (from Jen P.)

"Maybe it's a sign that you shouldn't have children....because not everyone is meant to have children you know!"

"Touch me and you'll get pregnant. I am SOOO fertile."


Jackass Troll:

Holly

The Anti-Adoption League

The Childfree Advocates


Vote now folks. Winners will be announced New Years Day.

The 2004 Jackass Award nominations

Hey there everyone! Welcome to the 1st Annual Jackass Award nominations! Time to place your nominations for this year's categories (please provide small summary of why someone is being nominated).

* Jackass Physician
* Jackass Medical Staff Member (other than Physician)
* Jackass Assvice Giver
* Jackass Assvice of the Year
* Jackass Troll

Christmas Day

To all who do and those who do not celebrate Christmas, I am wishing you a peaceful and happy day. I am going to go gorge on fattening and delicious food now. Much love to all.

Public Service Announcement

Attention, the person who found this site by way of the following search keywords:

pedophilos wanted

You are one sick asshole. My instructions for you--go straight to hell. And you can take the other sicko who searched:

donkey fucking a man

with you. Your type is not wanted around here. In fact, turn yourselves in to the authorities or the nearest mental health clinic. Seriously.

Interesting invention idea...

I found this "invention idea" on MSN and thought it was INGENIOUS. So I am sharing.

http://www.ideashappen.msn.com/Entries/Default.aspx?id=6653

Birth Mother Baskets
Entrepreneur
Ashley O., Austin TX

As an adopted child, I have a sincere respect for my birth mother who placed me with a loving family as a newborn. I currently work as an adoption counselor and I have found it very interesting to witness the sensitive relationship between the birth mother and the adoptive parents. It is apparent to me that many adoptive parents, although well-intentioned, do not always have the experience or the level of understanding to properly thank the birth mother for this priceless gift. After a birth mother delivers, there are many items she may need-- most of which are small and often overlooked. A birth mother may desire a warm robe, lotions, hygiene products and other small items that may make her hospital experience more comfortable. If funded, I will create gift baskets for birth mothers who have just delivered and plan to place their child for adoption. I think there is a significant market for a care package service that allows adoptive parents to purchase gift baskets for the mother of their adopted child. The adoptive parents will feel confident about the gift given during this emotional time and the birth mother will be reminded of the love the family has for her and her child.

Hilarity

I have to share this. I just got my "pre-operative orders" from my RE. Keep in mind this surgery is one week after my next gruelling body-wracking evil period takes place--you know, the one with all the clotting?

It says:

Do not take any medications that include aspirin or ibuprofen for two weeks prior to the surgery. Also discontinue all herbal remedies.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

No aspirin! No medications!

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! For TWO WEEKS PRIOR!! *snort* HAHAHAHAHAHAH!

They're killing me! (mocking voice) Oh, I guess I will go through my painful cramps without any medication. Doop-de-doop-de-doo! HAHAHAH! Good thing MUSCLE RELAXERS and HARD LIQUOR weren't on that list!

*wipes tears of laughter from eyes.*

Here's what I think...

I am at work. Everyone here is in a foul mood. So instead of giving them what they want (me, working) I am going to lay out a few of my philosophies on life (I will try to add more as the day progresses).


The glass is neither half-empty nor half-full--it is at 50% capacity.

I do not think "outside the box" because sometimes a box is called for--have you ever tried to wrap a cylinder?

Nothing very good or very bad lasts for very long. (borrowed from Mary, R.I.P.)

In life, "Black" and "White" exist only in theory--reality lies in the subtle variations of grey.

There is no such thing as "bad" free beer. You can always use it to steam shrimp or make beer-cheese soup.

The Twelve Days of Christmas (accd to me)

Ok, here's what I want this year (everyone--sing along!):

Twelve-pack of Bass Ale
Eleven pounds off my waistline
Ten pedicured toenails
Nine months, then a baby
Eight Ball that works right
Seven scented candles
Six-figure salary
Fiiiiiiiiiiivvvve healthy caaaaaaaats!
Four brand new towels
Three new pairs of shoes
Two tickets to the beach
And a maid to clean my house.

I think I'm getting better...

I am either less of an emotional wreck, or my emotions are dormant. Either way, it is a welcome relief. How do I know this?

▪ I no longer look at pregnant women and have to run to a dark corner to cry.

▪ I can wish my stepsister well on her pregnancy (and ask how she's doing).

▪ I can offer up advice to newbies just learning about their reproductive problems without inserting bitter remarks.

▪ I can walk past maternity stores without crumbling.

▪ I can objectively look at the box of Similac samples that came to me in the mail and put it away on a shelf in my kitchen, just in case it is some day needed by me or someone else.

▪ I can put baby-laden Christmas cards from friends on my mantle rather than crying and going into seclusion for my own misfortune.

▪ I can actually see myself trying to get pregnant again.

▪ I feel strangely optimistic all of a sudden.

▪ I can carry on lengthy discussions with my coworker about his two beautiful children.

▪ I feel very honestly happy for others who have struggled for so long and are finally seeing a light at the end of the long, dark and scary tunnel.

I am hoping this is not just an empty, battered emotional bank at work. I hope this is my soul finally healing. I am sure this is just a passing dementia, though. Check back with me in early January when what should have been the due date arrives. I am sure all of the above will change when January 4 appears on the calendar.

My womb isn't laughing.

hys·ter·ic - hiss-ter-ik

NOUN: a. A fit of uncontrollable laughing or crying. b. An attack of hysteria.

ADJECTIVE: Hysterical.

ETYMOLOGY: From Latin hystericus, hysterical, from Greek husterikos, from huster, womb (from the former idea that disturbances in the womb caused hysteria).

_______

This time last year, I never thought I'd be begging for surgery. I knew there was something wrong with me, if the endless loss of tiny human lives at the hands of my reproductive tract were any indication. But no one let on that it was anything structural.

I submitted myself to test after test. My arms were tracked up and marred from blood draws, my blood supply leaning towards anemia. I was weak, emotionally and physically. Cramps came with the territory. You miscarry, you cramp. Periods hurt. I'd always had painful periods, so I never thought about it.

Then this year.

I carried a beautiful packet of cells for 9 weeks before learning that she, too, would suffer. This time it was a genetics issue. However, my body didn't want to release the pregnancy in a "normal" manner, so I had to succumb to a surgical procedure. Since then, my cramping has increased tenfold and I began to develop mondo ovarian cysts.

A month ago, my doctor suggested endometriosis. Symptoms include painful, giant, nevershrinking cysts (check); menstrual pain (check); bladder pain (check); IBS-like afflictions (CHECK CHECK CHECK); chronic menstrual bleeding (including clotting) (check). Why no one connected this before is a mystery.

So January 10 at high-noon I will be going under sedation. They will slice two holes in my skin and inflate my body with a large volume of a gaseous substance and send a camera and laser inside to seek and destroy any endometriosis that may exist. Or scar tissue. Or adhesions. Or Jimmy Hoffa. Or anyone/anything else that is hiding from the common eye inside my body. I will take "two days to recover". [edit: I have been told that two days is actually bullshit. But since that's all my employer will allow, I guess I will have a painful rest of the week in my chair at work. Thrills a minute.]

If there is endo present, we have been instructed to consider serious measures to get pregnant soon and fast before it returns. As we all know that is no comfort. "Soon" and "fast", when it does actually happen that way, do not always equal happy, healthy and beautiful pregnancy with butterflies and lollipops. It means fear. It means cost. It means terror. Most likely it means crying... lots. But it is a limb I am willing to climb out onto if necessary.

At this point, before I know the results of a procedure I have yet to endure, I feel a lot. I feel remorse for not suggesting this long ago. I feel happy that someone is looking into the pain (oh GOD THE PAIN) of my month-long cramps. I feel anxiety of what's likely to come. I feel fear for the expenses we may incur if our useless asswipe insurance won't cover the procedure. I feel nervous that the results may ring with yet another "everything looks normal". I feel angry that this is happening at all. I feel hopeful that afterwards we can potentially move onto IVF and increase our chances of finding eggs in my ovaries that aren't scarred with my poor genetic material.

I sure as hell don't feel hysterical, however. Even if the feelings are coming from my womb.

Girl Returns Home.

Hi everyone. I am back from my Big Adventure in the Big Apple. Boy do I have tales...

1. I don't know who it was that invented the American Girl doll, but he/she is simultaneously an entrepreneurial genius and the most annoying motherfuck in the whole damn world. I have never seen so many creepy-ass dolls and little girls dressed like their creepy-ass dolls in my whole faaaaaaaaaaaah-reaking life. Not even waaaaay back with the Cabbage Patch phenomena. $100 a doll and the kid doesn't even brush its hair for crying out loud--It has its own beauty salon. Yeah, that shit just ain't right. *shudder*

2. The Empire State Building. Great view and I do mean GREAT. But SCREW that journey to the top. I don't like people THAT much. *it's broiling hot in here---stop touching me, stinky lady!*

3. Carnegie Hall IS everything it boasts. It's all that and a bag of Cheezits. And to the delightful couple that sat next to us--it's called Mozart. It's brilliant. Have respect--seriously, don't come if you plan to snore through it.

4. NYC. A land of angry people. Who honk. A lot. Then call each other "jerkoff". But boy do I love it. Love it. Love it. Love it.

5. When the tourist guide in your hotel room says, "Frank Sinatra ate here," interpret this as, "Someone named Frank S-Si-Sinat.. something.. came here once, I think. Hey, we're better than Olive Garden!" Then go somewhere that doesn't require name dropping to attract diners.

6. Chinatown and Little Italy are so damn cool. That's all I have to say about that.

7. Don't try to rush two huge museums into one day when you're already sleep-deprived, hungover, it's freezing rain outside, you are walking everywhere and you forgot to bring a heavy coat. Because experience says that you will spend the evening doubled over in crazy abdominal pain and throwing up your lesser known internal organs. Trust me.

8. Matzoh ball soup----------SO good. Oh my goodness.

9. Talking about point-of-purchase details with 200 different vendors is BO-RING. Snore, snore, snore. Especially when meanwhile your special fella is running around the coolest fucking city in the country all by himself.

10. There's this cheesy, ridiculous bar in Time Square called "Mars 2112". Apparently it is a great place to see silliness in the form of actors-turned-waiters-dressed-like-deformed-aliens, children running around the feet of Planet Hollywood-level drunks AND hardcore gangsta rappers. Yes, we saw all of the above. It was worth a hearty round of laughter and strong liquor. Rappers were familiar, recognizable, but not so familiar as to rush for autographs.

10. No matter how great a time you have, it is always good to come back home. Boy did I miss my kitty girls. I am so grateful to have such a kick-ass catsitter who watched them all week and even brought them each a Christmas present package that had kitty treats, a mousie and a puffy ball toy. She rocks.

Start spreadin' the news...

Brad and I are going to NYC for the week. I am going for the POP Conference, so this is a paid, working vacation. But we will be in NYC!! Hooray!! We leave tomorrow (Tuesday).

The catches.

1. I am horrified of flying.
2. A big thunderstorm is blowing in tomorrow.
3. They don't serve liquor fast enough for me on planes.
4. I'm not allowed to bring my own liquor on the plane.
5. I am fresh out of muscle relaxers.
6. I am "pee myself" freaked out.

So all of you who like me, please keep repeating to yourself "Safe Takeoff, Safe Flight, Safe Landing" for me. Pretty please. I promise I will bring back wonderful stories of the city and maybe a souvenir or two.

Unexpected Treats and Medicine Cabinet Treasures

Today sucked, menstrually speaking. I felt that my cervix was being ripped apart and the neat thing is that it was being done 100% speculum-free! Hooray, my body has learned to dilate the cervix on its own, a Gynecologist's dream come true. I imagine it even makes the same sound that doors on the U.S.S. Enterprise make on Star Trek.

*pshhhhhht*

But I digress.

I returned home after driving for forty minutes of blissful Volkswagen seat-heating (oh the glory of that car feature). Brad and I were welcomed by an innocent-looking cardboard box at our door. I LOVE mail, especially the kind that comes in boxes. I'd be the bonehead that opened up the box of anthrax because I LOVE mail in boxes. It's titillating.

So we brought the box in and examined the outside. From Fiji's. Ooooh, candy.

Sure enough, smaller boxes of delectible chocolates filled the inside of the bigger box. OH RAPTURE! Not only did I get MAIL in a BOX, but it had SMALLER BOXES of CHOCOLATE!!! If my uterus wasn't threatening to fall out of my body, I'd have done the happy banana dance.

The mystery set in. No card. Nothing. I have NO IDEA who the Chocolate Saint was. Someone sent us this spectacular box of joy and then didn't take credit for the act. Random acts of kindness indeed. I will be enjoying the fruit of their altruistic act for .. oh who am I fooling, it will be a few days and the chocolate will be *poof*.

I chased a pecan caramel truffle with a muscle relaxer whose name I cannot pronounce and now I feel mighty nice. I don't even give a crap if my reproductive organs are having a full-on Civil War.

Thank you, whomever you may be, oh mighty Chocolate Benefactor.

*pshhhhhht*

...On a lighter note.

FUN WITH ACRONYMS!

Today's Acronym is "TTC", or "Trying to Conceive". What else does it stand for?

* Time To Copulate
* Tick-Tocking Clock
* The Total Collapse
* Time Traveling Creation
* Teeny Tiny Catastrophe
* Toilet-Tampon Conspiracy
* The Toilet Calls
* Time To Cry
* Totally Trumped Conniption
* Twelve Tasty Cupcakes
* Try Taking Cipro
* Temporary Toddler Cat
* Truly Tragic Coiffure
* Tempered Tearduct Callouses
* Tempting Toblerone Chocolate
* Tequila-Tipsy Calypso
* Tums-Tagamet Cocktail
* Ten-Thousandth Cancellation
* Total Trigger Coward
* Trip To Cancun
* Try Taking Cruises