The Red Sea
So the flood began yesterday afternoon. And it brought with it some cramping.
"Some cramping"...
un·der·state·ment n.
1. A disclosure or statement that is less than complete.
2. Restraint or lack of emphasis in expression, as for rhetorical effect.
3. Restraint in artistic expression.
Let's run down the checklist of warnings I received regarding this event:
SUUUUU-UUUUUCK!!! levels of pain.(CHECK!)
Heavy. (CHECK!)
Clotting (Not yet.)
An alien will pop out of my lower scar. (The day is young.)
I will be spending my day today busy, busy, busy. At 9am, I will be meeting my long-lost acupuncturist so she can lecture me on missing three months of ass needles. She will stick me like a pincushion for a good hour of hopefully relaxing needle sleep (I always sleep my best when covered head to toe in tiny metal shards--it's true!)
At 10am, either myself or Brad will be purchasing tickets the Queens of the Stone Age concert. My hormone level will slightly surge as I think of how close I will hopefully be to Josh Homme in March.
At noon, we are joing Brad's family for a birthday lunch for Brad's sister.
At 2pm, I will meet with Sigourney Weaver to discuss what measures to take when the alien DOES emerge from my incision scar.
At 4pm, Charleton Heston will come by to help the Israelites pass by me.
At 7pm, I will pass out cold on the couch from my Darvocetic approach to cramps.
"Some cramping"...
un·der·state·ment n.
1. A disclosure or statement that is less than complete.
2. Restraint or lack of emphasis in expression, as for rhetorical effect.
3. Restraint in artistic expression.
Let's run down the checklist of warnings I received regarding this event:
SUUUUU-UUUUUCK!!! levels of pain.(CHECK!) Heavy. (CHECK!) Clotting (Not yet.) An alien will pop out of my lower scar. (The day is young.) I will be spending my day today busy, busy, busy. At 9am, I will be meeting my long-lost acupuncturist so she can lecture me on missing three months of ass needles. She will stick me like a pincushion for a good hour of hopefully relaxing needle sleep (I always sleep my best when covered head to toe in tiny metal shards--it's true!) At 10am, either myself or Brad will be purchasing tickets the Queens of the Stone Age concert. My hormone level will slightly surge as I think of how close I will hopefully be to Josh Homme in March. At noon, we are joing Brad's family for a birthday lunch for Brad's sister. At 2pm, I will meet with Sigourney Weaver to discuss what measures to take when the alien DOES emerge from my incision scar. At 4pm, Charleton Heston will come by to help the Israelites pass by me. At 7pm, I will pass out cold on the couch from my Darvocetic approach to cramps.
8 Comments:
Egad, woman, you're funny. Charlton Heston. Hee hee hee hee hee.
Ouch! When will you get a goddamn break? Sorry about the pain and flooding. Tell Sigourney I said hi.
Danae
PS I wandered the "world market" area of Target for HOURS the other day. Too bad it's only there for a few weeks.
You could've killed 2 birds with one stone...whomever made the cake could've just baked the darv. INTO it.
I hope you got your tickets and that your acu. appt. went great!!!
Oh that was too funny. I'm sorry you're feeling so crappy.
xxoo,
Emily
rofl! Youa re making me pee myself. I hope you're feeling better today!! xoxoxo
I hope you make yourself laugh as much as you make us laugh. Otherwise I would feel like I am laughing at your expense. That would be wrong.
Last month was like that for me and I would have DIED without the percocet left over from the D&C. Am praying tomorrow is not like that again or, if it is, that I can tell before I leave for work, because I don't relish the thought of spending the day lying on the floor of my cube. Hope you feel better soon!
I was fine up until Mr Heston showed up in his sandles, then diet coke shot out of my nose.
Girl, you rock. Sorry you feel like shit, though.
-Blue
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