The mood swings wide
It's been a while, so I guess I was overdue for a blue day. I got it tenfold today.
I tossed and turned all night, having one anxiety dream after another. One was that we'd adopted an embryo from Colombia. It was implanted and began to grow, but I didn't know it had. I expected it to do just as the others, miscarry. I drank, I took migraine medications, I did all the wrong things. I had an ultrasound that revealed that the baby had grown but I killed it by my negligence. The second dream was quite simply that I had donor eggs and my body killed them.
I worry every day about IVF. I am scared to death. I am scared that it won't work. I worry about the financial burden. I am scared that whether it works or not, the stress will be too much for Brad or myself or both of us. I am scared that I will want this more than anyone else. I am terrified.
I have a tangle of feelings and thoughts about everything. I always feel that my body let me down. I feel like I'm creating a nuisance by my persistence to have a child. I am angry. Why didn't my body do what it was supposed to do? Why do I have to feel miserable because I want to have a child no matter how much it costs or how long I will be in debt to pay for the procedure?
The most common reply I have been getting lately is to the effect of IVF is our answer. It's just a matter of time before we have a baby. I lack this confidence. I don't think it is that easy. The experiences over the last three and a half years is that nothing is guaranteed. And just because it happened for you or cousin Jane, doesn't mean it will happen to me. And that makes me sad.
I want someone to say it's ok to want these things. I don't want skepticism. I want there to be joy at the prospect of children. I am tired of feeling anxiety and fear.
Is that too much to ask?
I tossed and turned all night, having one anxiety dream after another. One was that we'd adopted an embryo from Colombia. It was implanted and began to grow, but I didn't know it had. I expected it to do just as the others, miscarry. I drank, I took migraine medications, I did all the wrong things. I had an ultrasound that revealed that the baby had grown but I killed it by my negligence. The second dream was quite simply that I had donor eggs and my body killed them.
I worry every day about IVF. I am scared to death. I am scared that it won't work. I worry about the financial burden. I am scared that whether it works or not, the stress will be too much for Brad or myself or both of us. I am scared that I will want this more than anyone else. I am terrified.
I have a tangle of feelings and thoughts about everything. I always feel that my body let me down. I feel like I'm creating a nuisance by my persistence to have a child. I am angry. Why didn't my body do what it was supposed to do? Why do I have to feel miserable because I want to have a child no matter how much it costs or how long I will be in debt to pay for the procedure?
The most common reply I have been getting lately is to the effect of IVF is our answer. It's just a matter of time before we have a baby. I lack this confidence. I don't think it is that easy. The experiences over the last three and a half years is that nothing is guaranteed. And just because it happened for you or cousin Jane, doesn't mean it will happen to me. And that makes me sad.
I want someone to say it's ok to want these things. I don't want skepticism. I want there to be joy at the prospect of children. I am tired of feeling anxiety and fear.
Is that too much to ask?
12 Comments:
It's okay to want these things. It's natural to feel fear with the IVF. The blue day will pass and I am thinking of you.
Yes, today was a blue day. IVF is a very scary prospect. It is expensive and there is no guarantee that it will work. But often the greatest rewards are derived from the greatest risks. Best of luck, Ollie. We are all in your corner.
Of course it's okay to want these things. Of course it's not too much to ask. And of course the fear is normal too, unfortunately... right there with you on the bad dreams lately, unfortunately.
By the time Blogger got around to opening this window, I forgot what I was going to say.
It was witty and supportive, though.
Just trust me on that one...
This post could have been taken from a conversation in my bedroom last night. I understand your position more than I could explain. We are possibly facing our first IVF soon and I'm terrified. More than anything I'm terrified of investing all our money and all our hope and ending up empty handed. It's just such a huge gamble. I'm right there with ya, sorry I have no encouraging words.......but I truly understand.
It is normal and okay to want these things. It is normal and okay to go to great lengths to get these things. It is okay to do exactly what you're doing.
It is normal and okay for being angry with your body. It is not okay what your body is doing to you. Hopefully your body will step up to the plate soon.
It's normal and okay to be questioning all of this and be afraid. It is normal and okay to have nightmares. It is normal and okay to be unsure.
Be gentle with yourself. Your normal, okay?
Okay.
Love,
Krissy
Thank you. All of you, for simply BEING HERE. I needed it.
It IS OK. Wanting a baby is the least selfish decision you could make. Having made it, you are willing to go the distance. Whatever that means for you, we all have lines in the sand we are not willing to cross. I applaud you for soldiering on, despite your fears.
I also could have written the same post. I think your feelings are 100% okay and to be expected. And even if you (we) want this baby more than other people, I think that's okay; we can make an effort to get what we want, even if there's a risk it might not work out. I also am afraid that we'll spend $$ on IVF, only to miscarry again. And we might. Or we might get lucky. I'm afraid this isn't very uplifting, but you are so not alone.
It's completely o.k. and IVF is a big process. I don't think people who have never experienced it (ie, can get pregnant on their own) understand how there is so much emotion that goes into it. I'm rooting for you Ollie and I'm out there waving pom poms for you (o.k., o.k., I'll put my shirt back on and go buy some real pom poms).
xxoo,
Emily
Hey Ollie, You are not alone. Its so very scarey the path some of us are choosing. I wish things were different for us. I am so scared that this isn't going to work out because nothing has worked out so far.I don't even want to think about the $$$ any more because it makes me feel blue. I am rooting for both of us. I mean we are still trying after everything we have been through. We have not thrown in the towel (yet). Something has gotta give...right? I am hoping and praying this works for you and me. Hang in there girl and until then if you need to vent you know where to find me.
Not too much to ask at all. IVF is scary shit, no doubt about it. And there are no guarantees. Yep, all normal fears, my dear. You're not alone. Thinking of you.
Danae/Hardscrabble
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