A year passes...
Resolutions:
I kept last year's resolution exceptionally. I perfected the use of chopsticks, both in dining (which required long and strenuous hours of eating Chinese and Thai food) and in hair styles. I set my goals low like that.
This year, my resolution will be equally lofty. For 2005, I resolve to.. oh hell, I don't know. Ok, I resolve to finish, let's say, at least 3 episodes of The Infertile. I was going to say, "I resolve to not be as pissy", but let's be honest here--I would break that resolution before the ink dried.
_______________________________
What 2004 taught me:
· My body is stupid.
· Uteruses (Uteri?) and ovaries are stupid.
· Otherwise dorky Hobbitses are actually kinda hot.
· Pit your doctors against each other--it's the only way to get things done.
_______________________________
In Memoriam:
We saw our daughter's heartbeat in 2004. She didn't survive, but we met her on the blobby ultrasound screen. I carried her picture around in my purse and showed her off. That is worth everything in the world to me. I don't talk about her much anymore because I cry when I do. But her birthday was estimated to be tomorrow, Jan. 4. She was beautiful for the 9 weeks we knew her, and even though I can still not bring myself to call her by a given name, she is always on my mind. As wretched a year as 2004 was, it ended in melancholy because it was her year. I miss her. I will always miss her.
I kept last year's resolution exceptionally. I perfected the use of chopsticks, both in dining (which required long and strenuous hours of eating Chinese and Thai food) and in hair styles. I set my goals low like that.
This year, my resolution will be equally lofty. For 2005, I resolve to.. oh hell, I don't know. Ok, I resolve to finish, let's say, at least 3 episodes of The Infertile. I was going to say, "I resolve to not be as pissy", but let's be honest here--I would break that resolution before the ink dried.
_______________________________
What 2004 taught me:
· My body is stupid.
· Uteruses (Uteri?) and ovaries are stupid.
· Otherwise dorky Hobbitses are actually kinda hot.
· Pit your doctors against each other--it's the only way to get things done.
_______________________________
In Memoriam:
We saw our daughter's heartbeat in 2004. She didn't survive, but we met her on the blobby ultrasound screen. I carried her picture around in my purse and showed her off. That is worth everything in the world to me. I don't talk about her much anymore because I cry when I do. But her birthday was estimated to be tomorrow, Jan. 4. She was beautiful for the 9 weeks we knew her, and even though I can still not bring myself to call her by a given name, she is always on my mind. As wretched a year as 2004 was, it ended in melancholy because it was her year. I miss her. I will always miss her.
17 Comments:
1) You've got to set goals you can keep, so perfecting the use of chopsticks at dinner and at the dressing table was a worthy goal! I always set goals that are very specfic (e.g. one year I made sure I ate 5 fruits and vegetables everyday. The next I read a book a week) and that I can keep.
2) *Hugs* You'll always remember and cherish her. But one day -- sooner rather than later -- you'll have a little girl or boy or two running around your legs to keep you very busy. I'm anxiously awaiting that time.
Evelin
Wow, your outlook humbles me. Truly. I had a stillborn boy in 2004 and I had written the year as a total loss. But now you're making me think, 2004 was his year and I should be thankful for that at least. Thank you and *hugs* and good luck in the coming year.
I'm always amazed at how you see all of this.
I, too, am tearfully grateful for the outlook adjustment I've just received from reading your post. Thank you.
and on a whole other note - I NEVER would have made the connection between Sam Hobbit and the lovely Australian Lost guy! holy o sneakers Batman! Yet another piece of knowledge gained from perusing blogs when I should be working...I'm always able to come away feeling justified!
Wow, the only hobbit-similarity is the honker!
********
That little girl you carried blew into your lives and blew out of your lives. The memorial in your heart is everlasting.
The home in your womb will swell again with full-blown life...freshly blown from heaven. This one will have a long earthly life, pregnant with destiny.
Good job on the chopsticks... I hate the bloody things!
Your sweet words about your daughter moved me. I have named my first baby Hope (lost at 7 weeks in March) My second (also lost at 7 weeks in June) I just couldn't bear to name... Sometimes I feel guilty about that... Do you think that is wierd?
Every day I thank God for giving me a friends online to talk to and who understand.
Thank you for posting...
Of course you will always miss her. She expects no less.
You put your feelings beautifully. We lost twins in 2004, after seeing their (very faint) heartbeats at 6 weeks. I keep their ultrasound picture too and it means the world to me. I hope 2005 brings you nothing but joy.
Your darling little one shares a birthday with my son Ben. I'll tell him to look after her up there, ok?
You are right...Uteri & Ovaries do indeed SUCK! alot.
I am glad that you got to see that beautiful heartbeat. I can't imagine what it meant to you.
You BOTH are in my thoughts today...and always.
((HUGS))
Melissa,
I post over at ttcamm, which has a link to your blog, and I read it often. It makes me feel like I'm not alone on this crazy recurrent miscarriage roller coaster, so thanks. (Plus you're just cool.)
I'm really rooting for you and Brad that 2005 will be a good year for you. Just wanted to say how sorry I am about all that you have been through, especially losing your dear daughter. I am honoring her too on this day that would have been her birthday.
I had a son with Trisomy 13 whose heartbeat I saw (like you, I've only seen a heartbeat with one of my babies). How bittersweet. He died at almost 11 weeks and would have been born on April 20 last year. Due dates are hard.
Hang in there! I hope to read some good news on your blog this year.
Jill
(jillmaureen)
Melissa,
I post over at ttcamm, which has a link to your blog, and I read it often. It makes me feel like I'm not alone on this crazy recurrent miscarriage roller coaster, so thanks. (Plus you're just cool.)
I'm really rooting for you and Brad that 2005 will be a good year for you. Just wanted to say how sorry I am about all that you have been through, especially losing your dear daughter. I am honoring her too on this day that would have been her birthday.
I had a son with Trisomy 13 whose heartbeat I saw (like you, I've only seen a heartbeat with one of my babies). How bittersweet. He died at almost 11 weeks and would have been born on April 20 last year. Due dates are hard.
Hang in there! I hope to read some good news on your blog this year.
Jill
(jillmaureen)
Hey, Ollie! First of all, congrats on the chopsticks. I never could get the hang of those things - either for my plate or my hair!
I'll send some thoughts up for your little girl. My baby's due date is coming up, too. I've had four losses, but this last one is the most difficult. We had lots of u/s pictures, heard the heartbeat, and saw the baby move on the monitor. It was such a devastating loss. I pray that I will have another chance to carry a baby to term, but if not, I will always be greatful for the shining moment, no matter how brief.
I here by resolve to follow your shining example and set my own resolutions low.
Your comment over on Leery Polyp. Perfect Ollie, you are my hero.
You rock.
I can't think more deeply about what I really want to say about you and your beautiful daughter, or I'll cry. And I've just had enough of that for now, so I'll just sum it up with "You rock."
Julia
Uncommon Misconception
Thinking of you, Sweetie. Take care of yourself xxx
Joanne
Your words seem to be what I feel. We have had three miscarriages and our baby was meant to be born on 26/01/04 we had a healthy heart beat at 6 weeks and again at 8 but unfortunately our baby died at 10 weeks. We didn't find out until 12 weeks. I am now 6 weeks pregnant and just feel so anxious... I just don't want to get my heart broken again. To know you are not alone in this re-current miscarriage thing really helps because sometimes life seems really unfair and you think it's only happening to you. thank you.
Post a Comment
Links to this post:
Create a Link
<< Home