An evil demon lives in mah belly!
And my nurse says "It's ok!"
Actually what happened is this: I started having bad cramping this weekend. Wait. Did I say bad? I mean, the kind that makes you begin to curse creatively, combining normal words into such expletive sentences as to make them sound like swearing.
Yeah, that kind.
I thought of going back in through the roadkill belly button and digging around to see if I could find the little demon that the doctor must have forgotten to remove. I didn't know what instrument would be best for that sort of exploration, so I left it alone.
I gazed wistfully at that siren bottle of Chambord that was lulling me with its lovely raspberry-scented amour. But I resisted.
I punched a hole in the couch scrunchie pillow. Little white beads of styro-something spilled onto the couch. Eh, fahkit. I laid down in it anyhow. Well, "laid down" is sort of inaccurate. I hunkered down in fetal position and willed myself unconscious is more like it.
This morning the demon was in full swing. He had invited other demon friends over and they were having a big time kegger in my ute and didn't invite ME. Bastardheads. Every now and then, Knifey the Sword-Wielding Demon would stab my pelvis and laugh. "Ha-HA!" he'd say. "Stab her again", Host Demon Asswad would shout back.
I called my doctor. "What tha faaaaaaaaahck?" I said to her nurse. "I am having horrible cramps. I thought you said I was FIXED NOW?!! Is this NORMAL?"
"OH YEAH!" She replied. "The first period after a laparoscopy SUCKS!!!! Add I do mean SUUUUU-UUUUUUCKS!! Do you need more drugs?"
And that's that. So I am imagining that in short order, the demon party in my belly is going to closely resemble every single scene in Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas (even the one where Dr. Gonzo is sitting in the pool of filth begging Raoul Duke to toss the radio into the water when White Rabbit peaks). They will be drugged out of their GOURDS, at my hand. I am sure that the party will go on for quite a while, according to the prophetic Nurse Scare-me-to-death.
What sucks---my period hasn't even STARTED YET. OOT-OOT-OOOOOOOH!
Actually what happened is this: I started having bad cramping this weekend. Wait. Did I say bad? I mean, the kind that makes you begin to curse creatively, combining normal words into such expletive sentences as to make them sound like swearing.
Yeah, that kind.
I thought of going back in through the roadkill belly button and digging around to see if I could find the little demon that the doctor must have forgotten to remove. I didn't know what instrument would be best for that sort of exploration, so I left it alone.
I gazed wistfully at that siren bottle of Chambord that was lulling me with its lovely raspberry-scented amour. But I resisted.
I punched a hole in the couch scrunchie pillow. Little white beads of styro-something spilled onto the couch. Eh, fahkit. I laid down in it anyhow. Well, "laid down" is sort of inaccurate. I hunkered down in fetal position and willed myself unconscious is more like it.
This morning the demon was in full swing. He had invited other demon friends over and they were having a big time kegger in my ute and didn't invite ME. Bastardheads. Every now and then, Knifey the Sword-Wielding Demon would stab my pelvis and laugh. "Ha-HA!" he'd say. "Stab her again", Host Demon Asswad would shout back.
I called my doctor. "What tha faaaaaaaaahck?" I said to her nurse. "I am having horrible cramps. I thought you said I was FIXED NOW?!! Is this NORMAL?"
"OH YEAH!" She replied. "The first period after a laparoscopy SUCKS!!!! Add I do mean SUUUUU-UUUUUUCKS!! Do you need more drugs?"
And that's that. So I am imagining that in short order, the demon party in my belly is going to closely resemble every single scene in Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas (even the one where Dr. Gonzo is sitting in the pool of filth begging Raoul Duke to toss the radio into the water when White Rabbit peaks). They will be drugged out of their GOURDS, at my hand. I am sure that the party will go on for quite a while, according to the prophetic Nurse Scare-me-to-death.
What sucks---my period hasn't even STARTED YET. OOT-OOT-OOOOOOOH!
8 Comments:
OMG, who do I have to beat in order for you to get a break? I'm so sorry! I've got chocolate brownies with your name on them (made with lots of liquor).
xxoo,
Emily
Dude .. I am so sorry. No one should have to go through all the crap you have gone through!!! Sending you lots of prayers and hope the drugs kick those Demon's to the curb. Did the nurse happen to say whether next period is going to be better or not???
This really stinks. I bet you've got lots of clottage in your near future. In a sort of vicarious, weird way, I'm eagerly anticipating it. I mean for it to be a sort of good cleansing for you, not a painful gut wrenching episode. Maybe it'll come on Valentine's Day? Lots of drugs. Lots of drugs.
Uuuuugh. I am cringing for you. How could they not tell you to expect it and arm you with appropriate drugs right off the bat? Wrong, wrong, wrong!
--Bugs
I am sorry, M. Drink some Chamomile tea. Take some drugs. Cuddle with your kitties and imagine your body bitchslapping those cramps into oblivion.
~Your Sister in Pain
Ohhhhhhh... This all sounds horrible!!!! I hope you have some relief soon... very soon...
This is just wrong, on so many levels. Once again, the medical community keeps their little secrets and makes you crazy until you call and they say, Oh yeah, that's normal. What a load of BS. This was supposed to take care of the pain. ARG! I'm sorry, M.
Couldn't she have warned you at least? More drugs! Beat those demons back!
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