The Olivia Drab News
Study: Being a Human Being Is Bad For You
July 15, 2004
ATLANTA, GA - A recent study indicates that existing as a human being, and performing the necessary tasks to sustain life as a human being are in fact bad for you, a US researcher reported Thursday.
“It’s true,” Olivia Drab, founder of Mind of Olivia Drab in Atlanta, reports. “A human being requires oxygen to survive. However, our greatest source of oxygen, air, contains harmful materials that are mixed with this life-sustaining gas. So with every breath, we are effectively poisoning our bodies.”
Drab proposes a solution that would involve abstinence from breathing, therefore eliminating the toxins by avoidance. A similar study indicates that drinking water should only be consumed if it is packaged from a naturally occurring spring in the French Alps. Otherwise it contains either harmful bacteria or excesses of chlorine and other additive chemicals, “…and just tastes bad,” Drab adds.
A similar study from the Damned If You Do Institute for Human Survival Studies shows supporting evidence indicating that human beings should neither breathe nor drink water unless it is assisted by extreme measures, such as advanced filtration. However, these filtration methods can have side effects, such as toxins in the containment vessel.
“It is best to avoid drinking and breathing whenever possible, just to be safe,” claims the DIFYDI 2004 Report on Basic Human Necessities.
In Other News: Reproductive Technologies
July 15, 2004
ATLANTA, GA - In a sobering report from the Damned If You Do Institute for Human Survival Studies, couples who engage in reproduction may alter their lives forever, and not just by bringing home baby.
In 8 of the 10 couples surveyed in a completely non-biased blog study, babies are rarely made from love as once suspected. Often babies come from one of a few sources: crack cocaine, which has been well-documented as being bad for you; a night of athletic, x-rated drinking and lusting, which can lead to clavicle or pelvic injuries; prayer chains and "baby-dust positive-vibing"; going on a Caribbean cruise, particularly one sponsored by a famous celebrity; or through medical intervention, which as other studies have indicated, is potentially useless.
Commenting on this study was Dick Murkenberger of President Bush’s Reproductive Council.
“The hard truth is that medical intervention for reproduction is a disease,” Murkenberger says. “Women think they can control God, and that just isn’t true. If you can’t have a baby naturally the way God intended, perhaps you weren't meant to have children. And to try otherwise leads you to dance with the Devil, and that means you will rot forever in eternal hellfire.” Murkenberger went on to explain that through prayer, menstrual cramps can be eased and that the existence of in-vitro fertilization technology is a fabrication that was, “created by Satan to throw wool over the eyes of impressionable young people”.
Olivia Drab, of The Mind of Olivia Drab in Atlanta, countered the statement made by Murkenberger with, “Dammit, what the hell is wrong here? I mean, I go through two and a half years of the only reproductive technology made available to me and what do I have to show for it? HUGE BILLS and a load of BS from our government and insurance carriers, that’s what. ”
Drab, an advocate for advancements and reform in Assisted Reproductive Technology claims that her stepsister, who is an unpleasant individual, but who has repeatedly engaged in natural baby-making, has three children while Drab has none. However, earlier Mind of Olivia Drab research indicated that this technique is not always effective for those who have actually moved out their parent’s home and have lucrative careers.
July 15, 2004
ATLANTA, GA - A recent study indicates that existing as a human being, and performing the necessary tasks to sustain life as a human being are in fact bad for you, a US researcher reported Thursday.
“It’s true,” Olivia Drab, founder of Mind of Olivia Drab in Atlanta, reports. “A human being requires oxygen to survive. However, our greatest source of oxygen, air, contains harmful materials that are mixed with this life-sustaining gas. So with every breath, we are effectively poisoning our bodies.”
Drab proposes a solution that would involve abstinence from breathing, therefore eliminating the toxins by avoidance. A similar study indicates that drinking water should only be consumed if it is packaged from a naturally occurring spring in the French Alps. Otherwise it contains either harmful bacteria or excesses of chlorine and other additive chemicals, “…and just tastes bad,” Drab adds.
A similar study from the Damned If You Do Institute for Human Survival Studies shows supporting evidence indicating that human beings should neither breathe nor drink water unless it is assisted by extreme measures, such as advanced filtration. However, these filtration methods can have side effects, such as toxins in the containment vessel.
“It is best to avoid drinking and breathing whenever possible, just to be safe,” claims the DIFYDI 2004 Report on Basic Human Necessities.
In Other News: Reproductive Technologies
July 15, 2004
ATLANTA, GA - In a sobering report from the Damned If You Do Institute for Human Survival Studies, couples who engage in reproduction may alter their lives forever, and not just by bringing home baby.
In 8 of the 10 couples surveyed in a completely non-biased blog study, babies are rarely made from love as once suspected. Often babies come from one of a few sources: crack cocaine, which has been well-documented as being bad for you; a night of athletic, x-rated drinking and lusting, which can lead to clavicle or pelvic injuries; prayer chains and "baby-dust positive-vibing"; going on a Caribbean cruise, particularly one sponsored by a famous celebrity; or through medical intervention, which as other studies have indicated, is potentially useless.
Commenting on this study was Dick Murkenberger of President Bush’s Reproductive Council.
“The hard truth is that medical intervention for reproduction is a disease,” Murkenberger says. “Women think they can control God, and that just isn’t true. If you can’t have a baby naturally the way God intended, perhaps you weren't meant to have children. And to try otherwise leads you to dance with the Devil, and that means you will rot forever in eternal hellfire.” Murkenberger went on to explain that through prayer, menstrual cramps can be eased and that the existence of in-vitro fertilization technology is a fabrication that was, “created by Satan to throw wool over the eyes of impressionable young people”.
Olivia Drab, of The Mind of Olivia Drab in Atlanta, countered the statement made by Murkenberger with, “Dammit, what the hell is wrong here? I mean, I go through two and a half years of the only reproductive technology made available to me and what do I have to show for it? HUGE BILLS and a load of BS from our government and insurance carriers, that’s what. ”
Drab, an advocate for advancements and reform in Assisted Reproductive Technology claims that her stepsister, who is an unpleasant individual, but who has repeatedly engaged in natural baby-making, has three children while Drab has none. However, earlier Mind of Olivia Drab research indicated that this technique is not always effective for those who have actually moved out their parent’s home and have lucrative careers.
6 Comments:
How can I get a subscription to The Olivia Drab News? I've learned so much in just this one issue! Fabulous!
Danae
This illicited a loud Roscoe P Coltrane "guh-guh-gee"
I am going out to buy a whole case of Evian in your honor RIGHT NOW. xoxo Suz
I love you!
:) I'd almost forgotten about SSS. Thanks for reminding me about that particular indignity!
Evelin
WOW! Everything I had always suspected is now proven to be true! Thank you, 'Damned If You Do Institute for Human Survival Studies'
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