Naptime Stories
In the beginning, Mom and Dad got it on. Somewhere between that moment and my birth, I was outfitted with a tricked-out uterus that had a slightly irregular shape. I guess you could say Mother Nature got my uterus at the Body Parts Outlet Mall. She picked it up, noticed an ink stain but rationalized that soda would take that right out, then decided it would be ok. She had a budget to keep.
After Mother Nature left the GapUte Outlet, she wandered into WestPoint Stevens Stomach Factory Outlet. That's where she picked up my digestive tract from the cutout bin. The stomach looked ok, but the matching esophagus was missing, so she went with a lesser quality and slightly-off esophagus from the cheaper aisle. The intestines she found at that department store Going Out Of Business Basement Sale would tie the whole system together.
The three fairy sisters, Nervosa, Compulsa and Worrywart dropped by to sprinkle a little magic onto Mother Nature's work of art.
"I shall bless her with the ability to become affected by everything that goes on around her," Nervosa declared. Shaking her little fairy wand guaranteed that eating would be either excessive or completely impossible, depending on circumstances.
Worrywart cocked an eyebrow and thought for a moment, then began to wave her wand. "I shall gift her with the inability to put away thoughts and events. She will fixate on everything to a fineness unmatched by all."
Compulsa paced manically, carefully avoiding cracks in the pavement. She knew her gift would have to outdo her sisters. Finally, it came to her.
"On this day, this woman will internalize every struggle, every joy, every event. She will replay these events until issues are solved. And from this day forth, germs are bad, bad, bad!!" The wand lit up like Chinese New Year.
Mother Nature approved of the gifts from the sisters. And my body was declared complete. But not before an evil darkness drew from the shadows to present its gift of Migrainous Brain to my skull. Mother Nature shook her head, but there was nothing she could do. The laws that she herself had put into place disallowed her from turning away gifts from anyone.
"That's the way I've done business my entire existence," she said with a shrug. "I am not willing to change rules now. The Migrainous Brain is allowed forth." The brain was laid in place.
"Anybody else? No? Ok then..."
And so I was presented to the world.
After Mother Nature left the GapUte Outlet, she wandered into WestPoint Stevens Stomach Factory Outlet. That's where she picked up my digestive tract from the cutout bin. The stomach looked ok, but the matching esophagus was missing, so she went with a lesser quality and slightly-off esophagus from the cheaper aisle. The intestines she found at that department store Going Out Of Business Basement Sale would tie the whole system together.
The three fairy sisters, Nervosa, Compulsa and Worrywart dropped by to sprinkle a little magic onto Mother Nature's work of art.
"I shall bless her with the ability to become affected by everything that goes on around her," Nervosa declared. Shaking her little fairy wand guaranteed that eating would be either excessive or completely impossible, depending on circumstances.
Worrywart cocked an eyebrow and thought for a moment, then began to wave her wand. "I shall gift her with the inability to put away thoughts and events. She will fixate on everything to a fineness unmatched by all."
Compulsa paced manically, carefully avoiding cracks in the pavement. She knew her gift would have to outdo her sisters. Finally, it came to her.
"On this day, this woman will internalize every struggle, every joy, every event. She will replay these events until issues are solved. And from this day forth, germs are bad, bad, bad!!" The wand lit up like Chinese New Year.
Mother Nature approved of the gifts from the sisters. And my body was declared complete. But not before an evil darkness drew from the shadows to present its gift of Migrainous Brain to my skull. Mother Nature shook her head, but there was nothing she could do. The laws that she herself had put into place disallowed her from turning away gifts from anyone.
"That's the way I've done business my entire existence," she said with a shrug. "I am not willing to change rules now. The Migrainous Brain is allowed forth." The brain was laid in place.
"Anybody else? No? Ok then..."
And so I was presented to the world.
5 Comments:
I say drag Mother Nature and her gaggle of gift givers to the Ricki Lake Show and expose them on live TV for the trouble makers that they are!
Surely there is a bootcamp somewhere for bestowers of unfit gifts such as these, and Mother Nature is in some serious need of an episode of Where NOT To Shop.
hehe..not to be sexist or anything...and I got this information from my mom, so it is from a reliable source....but.....it's actually....get this....are you ready? FATHER Nature. Mmhmm. Yep.
Sorry about all of the 'discount' parts. Get anything from TJ Maxx or Ross? Ok..sorry, I am just trying to cheer ya up there. That damn Migrainous Brain is just the damn icing on the cake, eh???
Oh..damn it..sorry, that last comment was me.
Your partner in Migrainous Brain Syndrome, Tiff.
Well, I can only assume that she went back to the same outlet mall when she was making me, the crazy bitch. Only, they must have been out of "tricked out uteruses", so she gave me some ovaries from the 99cent clearance bin. Ditto for the stomach and esophagus. Sigh.
Also, it seems I have been similarily gifted by the three fairies and the migranious brain. I had a very special 2 day migrane that just lifted yesterday. But my brain is still sore though. I hate when that happens.
Well, maybe on the inside we are a bit mixed up, but at least we're smart and adorable. Mwah hon!
I just love you, discount parts and all.
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